


The Infinite Curse of the Lonely Heart

by JustAnotherUnderstudy



Series: This Should Totally Be A Thing [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And angst, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Did I mention angst, F/M, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I got that from Skyfall, I hope, James needs a hug, Mallory is a total shipper, Mallory ships everyone, Mallory ships it, Mild torture, Nightmares, Oh my god so much angst, Older Woman/Younger Man, Rare Fandoms, Rare Pairings, Requited Love, Serious smut, Tanner ships it, There's so much angst I need a hug, This is at least a three boxer, Tissue Warning, Unrequited Love, some more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-24 14:23:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8375548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherUnderstudy/pseuds/JustAnotherUnderstudy
Summary: "Unrequited love is the infinite curse of the lonely heart." Christina WestoverJames learned at Skyfall that losing M might well be the end of his heart. It's two years later. M is going back in the field with him. After this mission, he knows his heart will be lost forever.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Ignores Spectre and the end of Skyfall. M lived, saved MI6, and retired gracefully. And yet, I've still managed to make poor James suffer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nightmares exist outside the realm of logic..." Stephen King

Bond ran toward the chapel. The fight that had caused his delay should have drained him, but the knowledge that Silva was inside with M gave him impetus. He discovered Silva holding M with a gun. He didn't have time to assess exactly what was happening and he fired a shot into Silva's back at the right angle to kill him and also stay in him and not shoot through to M.

"Is it too late to make a run for it?"

James smiled. She still had a sense of humor after these events. She'd be OK.

"Well, I'm game if you are."

And he was. In the instant it took to say the words he knew that for the first time he wanted to run, not stay and fight. More important, he wanted to run with her.

The next moment seemed to happen in slow motion as he watched M fall to the floor. He ran to her and took her in his arms. She was shivering and he could see now by her pale countenance that she must have lost a lot of blood.

"At least I got one thing right."

Her last words before she simply stilled in his arms and her eyes became lifeless. James felt the pain of the loss through his entire body as he reached up to close her eyes then pressed his lips to her cold forehead.

~~~~~~~

James woke in the night, a scream strangling in his throat. He looked around his bedroom. The lights were on. He always slept with them on now. Everything was as he'd left it when he'd finally fallen into his usual fitful sleep, including the damned British flag draped bulldog ornament sitting on his bedside table M had given hI'm upon her retirement.

He reached over to stroke it as if it was a talisman. In his mind he repeated his nightly mantra: She's alive. She's well. She lived. She's OK. It's just a nightmare.

He lay back on his bed. It felt cold now that the sweat from his nightmare was cooling in the night air.

He thought of the last time he'd seen her. Sunday, a fortnight ago. They'd supped at her apartment so they could speak freely with each other.

M. She would always be M to him. He didn't despise Mallory as much as he'd expected, but that had more to do with her than him. She still kept him in check and would drag him across the verbal carpet if she saw the need, and James would gladly submit if only because in his nightmares each night there was no hope of ever hearing her voice again.

Closing his eyes he tried to bring back every detail about her from their evening. She was beautiful, as always. She'd dressed for dinner, as had he. He always dressed for her now, carefully selecting his clothing even though she had never commented on any of his jackets or ties. The thought of showing up to dine with her while dressed down was as repulsive as the idea of meeting with the Queen while dressed to go on holiday to the beach.

M had worn a blue dress that intensified the blue of her eyes and made the perfect contrast with her silver hair. When she'd handed him her drink, he didn't allow his fingers to linger on hers the way he wanted. As they ate and talked, he never let on that he wanted to reach across the table and take her hand in his. When they retired to the lounge, he sat a respectable distance from her on the sofa, and when they said goodnight, he kissed her on her forehead, the only sign of affection he'd ventured since their time at Skyfall. She'd accepted it in the hospital and now he never left her without a kiss. But it was only a brief little thing, such as one would give to his mother, and she smiled at him as one would her son.

It killed him every time.

But it was enough that she had lived. He would never ask for more than her occasional companionship.

She was available now, her husband long passed, her retirement in full swing, so to speak, and if she wanted someone for romance, James had no doubt she could have her pick. And when she did choose someone, James would be happy for her (after he and Tanner made sure the bloke was thoroughly vetted). He would even walk her down the aisle and give her away if she asked him to. She deserved happiness after all she'd sacrificed for her country.

But James knew he couldn't be that for her. People would make assumptions about her and there would be gossip. M hated gossip, at least if it didn't help her with her job.

Mostly, though, James knew she deserved better than him. She deserved someone with no baggage, someone whole who could make her laugh and smile. And while she had finally started to smile for him...

No. He stopped that train of thought. They were becoming friends now that she'd retired, that was all.

As long as she was never hurt again, never had to fear, James would be happy to simply be her friend.

He rolled over into his side and didn't think about how good he'd become at lying to himself.


	2. Chapter 1-Secrets I Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's no surprise to Tanner that Bond has reacted to his next assignment the way he has. What is a surprise is it's not for the reason he'd assumed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tanner ships it. :)

Tanner sat at the oval conference table and wondered how M and the PM could act like they did not notice the tension in the room. He watched 007 listen to their plans for his next assignment, his jaw clenched, and Tanner was fairly certain his hands were in fists under the table.

"What say the Americans to loaning us one of their agents?"

Tanner glanced at the PM, and away from 007 for a moment. Maybe there was something to that. If they'd do that, 007 would be happy and maybe everyone in this room would live to see their retirement.

"The Americans are only willing to offer support and back up. All the instances take place in British sovereign lands, or formerly British sovereign."

M nixed the idea quickly.

"I really don't see who else we can ask."

"Maybe a disguise on a somewhat younger agent?"

Tanner's offer was met with a thankful gaze from 007, but they both knew it was useless. The minds were made up.

"Sorry, Tanner. You know they found cameras in the last incident so that wouldn't work. And it must be a former 00 for the same reason. We can't just send Bond off with some low level agent. Considering the intricacies..."

M trailed off because no one in this room was comfortable speaking of what 007 and the former 00 female were going to have to do behind closed doors to keep their cover.

"Very well."

Bond's voice was curt and he promptly stood and exited the room leaving the remaining occupants to awkwardly avoid eye contact with each other and mumble their own excuses before their departures.

Tanner followed them all out and, when he saw M walk into his office and firmly shut his door without so much as a word, he grabbed up his raincoat and umbrella and headed to the elevator. His boss would be in no need of him and he would certainly understand why Tanner had left without word.

This situation had been one both Tanner and 007 had opposed from the beginning. Now, though, Tanner knew his place was to convince Bond of what the man knew, that he really was the only one for the job.

He found the 00 agent in a pub he frequented not far from headquarters and indicated to Bond to join him at a table away from the bar. It was still early enough that they could have some privacy as they spoke.

Bond scowled before he followed Tanner to the table. Tanner would have laughed at the agent 's attempt at intimidation but the situation was too dire.

Tanner ordered a drink and he studied the man who was intensely looking at his pint.

"You know you have to do this."

Bond only grunted in response.

"You should go talk to her."

Bond rubbed his hands vigorously on his face as if he could scrub away what he had to do.

"What am I supposed to say?"

"At the very least you have to arrange moving in."

Bond made a strangled noise.

"Honestly, Bond, I've never seen you like this. I mean, I know this is unpleasant but you really are the best man for the job. At least she'll still have her dignity when it's all over. Who knows what a different agent might do or say."

He gave another grunt. Tanner decided to try a different angle.

"James, it's not as if she's an unattractive woman. I know she's older but, well..."

Tanner decided to drop that angle before Bond could so much as issue a dirty look.

"I really don't know why you have a problem with it beyond the obvious, and your behavior indicates that this is far beyond the obvious. Look, she's already agreed and she's perfectly fine..."

"I can't do this."

Bond cut him off mid-sentence.

"I can't pretend I'm in love with her."

Tanner was taken aback.

"Really Bond, this is all rather petty..."

"There's no need for me to pretend."

Tanner looked at him in confusion for a moment before all the pieces fell into place.

"Oh, dear, God."

James only nodded his head.

"How long?"

"I don't even know."

Tanner sat and thought while Bond finished off his pint.

"Since before Istanbul?"

Bond shrugged.

Tanner sat back in his seat and shook his head. It all seemed so obvious now.

"Don't say anything Tanner."

"Of course not. Have you told her?"

Bond shook his head.

"It would ruin things if I did."

"You think she doesn't return the feelings?"

Bond looked at him as if he would know better.

"I'm young enough to be her son."

James said it with such disgust that it sounded as if he was angry for being born too late to be with Olivia.

"What are you going to do?"

Tanner was worried now. He didn't think the pain in James' eyes was a ruse.

"Lose her forever."

The other man shrugged as if he almost thought it inevitable.

"I don't think you'll lose her, Bond."

James shook his head.

"What we'll have to do for this assignment is not something a friendship can recover from."

"Why not?"

James looked at Tanner as if he'd lost his mind.

"For one, she'll be humiliated. For two, I will have had almost everything I thought I never could with her."

He slumped back into the seat and stared hopelessly at his drink.

Tanner thought in his words.

'Almost everything,' James said.

As Tanner watched his friend he wondered if James truly thought Olivia could never return his love. Tanner wasn't much of a matchmaker, hell, he kept shooting his own fledgling relationship with Eve in the proverbial foot. But he'd been in the business long enough to read people by their actions faster than their appearances and words, and Olivia having James over for dinner and drinks, and having seen firsthand the relief she felt when James called her after returning from a mission...well, he'd thought they were simply fond of each other, but now he wondered.

But it wasn't his place to say. He'd kept Olivia's secrets for years, that wasn't going to stop now.


	3. Chapter 2-The Wise Man's Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James' Achilles Heel was never what he'd been told: his pride, his pig-headedness, even his impulsiveness that earned him the admonition of "blunt instrument" from M herself. No, James' weakness has always been the fear of the inevitable loss, and for many years, even before Skyfall, it has been the fear of the loss of one woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded." Elle Newmark

James knocked at M's door. His heart was beating wildly and his palms were sweaty. He was worse than a boy going on his first date.

She opened the door. Her face was impassive. How different than the previous week when he came by for drinks and she had a soft smile on her face for him.

She nodded at him and turned, expecting him to follow.

"So, 007, I assume you've been briefed."

James froze in the act of closing the door. She hadn't called him by his number since she retired after their trial at Skyfall. She might as well have shot him. He hadn't hurt so deeply since she had. And back then it had mostly been his pride. Now he knew this had nothing to do with pride.

He took a deep breath, shut the door, turned to follow her into her lounge, and had schooled his face by the time she was pouring two drinks.

She turned to hand him his drink. He took it from her, careful not to touch her. She ignored his obvious caution and sat in the chair instead of on the sofa.

God, if he wasn't so damned used to disappointment...

He mentally shook of his thought. There was a job to do and self-pity was a liability.

He sat in the chair opposite and tried to be professional.

"M has suggested you move in before we leave. Q told me he's already begun to lay out an electronic trail for the suspect or suspects. Tanner will be here in the morning for photographs to make it more realistic."

For all her bravado, James noticed when her voice broke at the end. She covered it by taking a drink.

"I have a few things in my car to bring up."

James voice matched hers. Calm, serious, professional. He was glad he was well-rehearsed in deception.

"You'll have to put them in my room. We don't know if these people are searching the victims' homes or not. Best to make it look real."

For fuck's sake, it sounded like they were discussing some mundane assignment, not the end of the world as James had come to know it.

"Well, I'll get to it, then."

James placed his untouched drink on the table and stood. M followed suit and followed him to the door.

"One more thing, Bond."

She reached her hand into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys. She handed it to him holding one between her fingers.

"This is the key to the flat."

He took it from her. There was no feasible way to avoid her touch.

"Very well."

She nodded in response then turned.

"I'll get some dinner on then."

She walked past the door to the lounge and toward the kitchen leaving James to his luggage and to his thoughts that if he'd ever allowed himself to entertain the idea of M giving him a key to her flat this was far more lifeless than his fantasy.

\---

That night he lay on his back in her guest room, his clothes tucked away in her closet and bureau, his shoes tucked under "his side" of her bed.

He felt cold and empty, the dread of what was about to happen weighed more heavily than the dread of their mission at Skyfall. Back then he'd still thought himself invincible. He'd learned the truth in the chapel as he held her for what he'd thought were her last breaths. By the time help had arrived he'd thought he'd lost her and in that moment he knew true weakness.

He'd been told over the years that his pride, or his willfulness, or some thing or other, were his Achilles Heel, but the truth was none of those. James learned what his true weakness was as he sat in the hospital waiting room and willed the small woman in the surgery to live fearing what would happen to his heart if she didn't.

He'd gained her friendship in the ensuing months. Her children had visited but they had their own careers and families to see to, James barely left her side.

It quickly became a sore point with him and Mallory, whom he only called M out of respect for the woman he couldn't imagine being replaced. Mallory had accused him of being sentimental and soft for her. James had threatened Mallory because the man had no idea. What James felt for M went far deeper than anything Mallory could imagine, deeper than love or desire. He was loyal to M in a way he'd never been to anyone.

Fortunately, Tanner had intervened and Mallory backed down. M retired, Mallory took her spot, and James continued to work.

He and M settled into an odd sort of routine of suppers and luncheons and calls and texts. It started with him "nagging" her about her therapies and medications and rest after she returned home from Scotland. Sometimes just phone calls, sometimes he'd be so bold as to knock on her front door.

He never broke in anymore. He wasn't trying to prove his worth as her agent, he just wanted to be near her. He knew romance as he would have wanted was out of the question. She'd never believe he was interested in her for that reason and James knew if he pushed for what he truly wanted, he'd wind up with nothing.

So it became a good friendship. And James contented himself with that.

She'd told him he could call her by her name now, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was terrified that if that beautiful name rolled across his tongue he'd act on the desires the name invoked in him.

So he called her 'M' and tried not to overthink it when she moved into her current flat after her recovery and lived under the name Emma Mawdsley.

And now the only comfort he'd allowed himself in years was slipping away. After this, things could never go back. James wondered how in hell he'd live with the loss.

\---

James ran toward the chapel. He was chilled to the bone from his soaked clothing, but he had to get to M. Silva was there, he had to stop him. When he arrived he found the chapel doors shut and bolted. He pounded against the old wood until his hands bled. He tried to scream for her but his throat was incapable of speech.

Finally, the doors flew open and James stumbled inside just in time to watch Silva pull the trigger and put a bullet through himself and M.

A scream loosened itself from James throat.

And like that he was bolt upright in a strange bedroom, gasping for breath. He looked frantically around the room then reached for the side table. It was devoid of the object he sought.

"James."

M's voice called through the door followed by her knock.

"James, are you alright?"

He untangled himself from the sweaty sheets and stumbled across the floor to the door.

He threw it open and M startled. He stared at her and almost reached for her.

She was there. She was alive. She was Ok. Everything was OK.

But everything wasn't OK.

M stood before him, her hair mussed from sleep, her face devoid of any hint of makeup. She hadn't even put a robe over her navy blue silk gown. It was held up by thin spaghetti straps leaving her shoulders bare. James gaze swiftly moved down her body to the hem of the gown which stopped just above her mid-thigh. God damn, she was beautiful. His body reacted with the stirrings of arousal until his mind reminded him of how he was going to lose her just as sure as he had in his dreams.

He shut his eyes against the sight of her, afraid if he allowed his gaze to linger a moment longer he'd pull her to him and give himself over to his long fought desires.

"Just a nightmare, sorry."

His voice was shaky, but not because of the dream.

"Well, that was one hell of a nightmare."

She didn't sound certain but James only nodded.

"Would you like some water or some tea?"

God, he wished she wouldn't be nice to him. She made him want to say yes, anything to keep her near him.

Instead he shook his head, muttered another apology and returned inside the room, shutting the door behind him.

He fell unceremoniously into the bed and into a fitful sleep. His dreams plagued by more images of losing her only this time less violent.

\---

He reached for her, whispering her name, her real name. It felt so glorious as it rolled of his tongue. He'd wanted this for so long, wanted to hold her, touch her.

He tried to pull her to him and into his embrace, but she pulled away from him, a horrified look on her face.

"What do you think you're doing, 007?"

Suddenly they were on the floor of Parliament with all the members looking on. Mallory and the PM were there and they turned their accusatory gazes upon her. They questioned her competence. They told her she couldn't do the job anymore because James' actions proved there was something going on. They threatened to investigate every decision she'd made since becoming head of MI6.

"How could you do this James?"

The voices of the parliament members was a din, they used all the derogatory names he'd ever heard used about her. When he looked at her he could see she was humiliated.

"Why James? Why have you taken even my dignity?"

\---

The next morning, M found him curled up on the sofa in her office, her cheapest bottle of scotch half-empty on the floor beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the book of the same name by Patrick Rothfuss.


	4. Chapter 3-Those of Us Who Fall in Love Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cupid sometimes runs out of arrows and only shoots one person instead of two. (unattributed quote I found online)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fourth installment of the angst train has arrived. ;)

James watched as Olivia slept. The flight was long to Brisbane and they were taking shifts sleeping. They had all the passenger information, including the last minute add ons, and all the background checks for passengers and personnel.

This was the easy part. Easy, James thought, because M was asleep and he could look at his phone or a book and pretend to be a bored traveler. When she was awake, she'd take his hand in hers and the heat would travel up his arm and across his chest until his heart beat faster. He would lean over and nuzzle his nose against hers before giving her a quick kiss.

He tensed his free hand. The kisses and the looks we're killing him slowly. He thought that if this mission lasted too long, there would be nothing left of him. Spontaneous combustion was a real thing after all.

He tried to concentrate on the mission, four couples dead, all the same MO. Older, rich woman with a younger lover. All the money gone without a trace, no real evidence until the last couple where a hidden camera was found in the hotel room.

He supposed he should be grateful they'd found it. He and M would have played the part out of their room, but inside they would not have looked like real lovers. But it was difficult to be grateful when his first kiss with M was staged for Tanner's damned camera.

He glanced down at his phone. He'd made that shot his cover photo. In it their eyes were closed as they pressed their lips together. They looked like happy lovers, with smiles on their faces.

James looked away from the lie. He tried to focus on the importance of this mission, not on the fact that the PM probably asked M to come back to work because of what she'd have to do. The bastard was probably having a good laugh about it regardless the fact that a distant cousin of the Queen had been the woman of the third couple killed.

He felt M beginning to stir next to him and turned to watch her wake. Her eyes showed she was immediately aware of her surroundings but then she slipped into agent mode and looked briefly confused. This made James smile all the more.

"Good morning, darling."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. The look she gave as she smiled up at him reminded him how good she'd been at the undercover part of her job in the old days. He knew she was simply treating him as she would a mark.

James forced those thoughts from his mind. They were useless and distracting, better to focus on what he'd settled on. If this was to be his last time with her, if their friendship would truly be ended as a result of this mission, then, by god, he was going to show her exactly how deeply he loved her and wanted her. At least then he'd have that when his world crashed and burned in a few weeks.

She leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Want to get some rest?"

He wanted to laugh at the thought. How could he rest when his senses were inundated by every aspect of her?

But he nodded and closed his eyes. He reached his hand up to hold hers and placed it on his chest. Cheeky, he thought, but he wanted her to know how much she affected him. She probably thought it looked good to onlookers. They definitely looked the part of a couple.

M's proximity actually began to relax him and to his surprise he nodded if in a few minutes.

\---

He couldn't see where he was going. He was cold and wet, somewhere outside at Skyfall but it was pitch black. He couldn't see which direction the chapel was. He tried to call for Olivia or Kincaid but his throat would make no sound. He ran the direction he thought the chapel might be until he stumbled over a pile of rocks. He felt around and cursed. He'd run back to the destroyed house. He heard Olivia scream, then he heard a shot fired. He turned and ran in the direction of the sound. He stumbled again and fell to the ground. He felt around to find what he'd fallen over. It was a body. He found the head and ran his hands over the hair, short and course, just like M's. He choked back a sob as he traced the lines on her otherwise smooth face.

"Lad."

Kincaid was there and he turned a torch onto the body.

James' body began to shake from the grief as he looked on M's face.

"James."

Kincaid's voice barely was heard over the rush of blood in James's ears.

"James."

The voice sounded different and James wondered if he wasn't losing his mind.

"James."

It was M's voice. He heard her calling to him. He wanted to go to her. He didn't care what version of afterlife she was in, he wanted to be with her.

"James."

The voice was sharper as was the shaking. His eyes opened to reveal M leaning over him a concerned look on her face.

James gasped and reached up to touch her gently on the cheek.

"You're here."

She nodded.

"You're alive."

Her look became more worried.

"James, are you Ok?"

He looked around and acclimated himself as quickly as he could.

"Yeah, just a bad dream."

 "Is this a common thing for you?"

James just shrugged in answer to her question.

"James, if there is an issue, something that will be a problem with this mission, I think you'd better speak up now while we still have time to change things."

"It's just a nightmare. People have nightmares, M."

She narrowed her gaze and studied him. He tried to be impassive. Finally she nodded and reached over to take his hand. She leaned into him and resumed her role. If she noticed that James held her a little more tightly when he wrapped his other arm around her she said nothing.

\---

"Mr. Brandt, I have your key cards for your room."

James held out his hand to take the cards from the clerk but didn't look away from where M was speaking with the concierge. There had been some sort of mix up with their room and M was discussing the details of that mix up while Q and Tanner were listening back in London. Q would check to see if the same thing had happened to the other victims. No other pattern, except money and the age of the couples had been discovered yet so it would be helpful to see if it was employee related or if it was someone from the outside who could hack into the computers.

His thanks to the clerk was casual, as if he was focusing on the conversation taking place at the desk. In fact he had already memorized her features and could pick her easily out of a line up. Now he was working on the rest of the people in the hotel lobby to see if anyone found their mixed up rooms interesting.

He didn't find anyone of interest, but who knew who might be watching on the security cameras.

Taking M's hand in his when he reached her, he quietly waited until the concierge finished his apologies. 

They walked to the elevator, the bell hop followed behind with their bags.

"What a way to begin a holiday."

M sounded like an exasperated traveler and James found it difficult not to smirk. He hid it with a kiss to her temple as he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him.

"Just a minor snag, my love."

He kissed her gently on the lips just as the elevator signaled its arrival.

\---

 

James tipped the bell hop.

"I think I need a shower after all that travel."

M's voice was natural. If she was as nervous as James. It didn't show in her actions either as she walked up to him and put her hand to his neck to pull him down for a kiss. She released him them sauntered (God, he never thought he'd see her do that) toward the shower.

"Well, I'll unpack then."

James wasn't sure if that's really what she wanted or if she wanted to join her in the shower, but he wasn't really ready for that yet.

"You're such a dear."

She opened the door to the bath.

"Oh, don't unpack my carry on."

James raised a brow in question.

"I have a few, um, surprises in there I don't want you to see yet."

James heart caught in his throat and for a moment he couldn't breathe. Her look was heated and that combined with his imagination as to what those surprises might entail made his skin burn.

She gave him a satisfied smirk and entered the bath.

James watched the door a moment. It took every ounce of control he possessed not to follow her in and take her now. He hadn't even touched her and he was already on the verge of losing every semblance of control.

James had everything unpacked and was admiring one of the dresses she'd packed. He'd hung it outside the closet in suggestion she wear it to dinner. It was teal with black trim and it looked to be cut to to fit her curves.

He was trying to squash the image of M in the gown giving him the same look as before she went into the shower when the door to the bath opened and M entered the room in nothing but her bath towel.

Her eyes went straight to the dress, thank god, or she'd have seen the lustful way he let his eyes take her in. It was all he could do to control his reaction. He wondered if she even knew how damn beautiful she was. Did she think herself too old to be considered anything but attractive "for a woman her age."

"Nice choice. I thought you might like that one."

She smiled as she took the dress off its hanger.

He stood and quickly went behind her. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned in to kiss her bare shoulder.

"Do you like it?"

James placed another kiss just below her ear but didn't wait any longer for an answer to his rhetorical question.

"Because I think this bath towel looks devastating on you."

He breathed the words against her ear. If they were truly lovers, he'd have pulled the towel off at that point and leaned her back in his arms, one hand on her breast, another between her legs.

He was about to pull himself away and take a shower of his own when M hummed and leaned against him. God, he was not going to make it until dinner.

James gasped as she rubbed back against his groin. 

"I thought you wanted to have dinner first."

He panted the words, trying to control his quickly stiffening cock.

"Of course, I do. You should probably get in the shower. You smell as if you've been traveling all day."

She pulled out of his arms and laid the dress out on the bed.

James could barely see straight. He could definitely see that she had been the best in her time as a 00.

"You know, love, I might have to get you back for the later."

He smirked at her as if they were lovers and this was a game they played often.

"I should hope so."

The look coupled with the words made James pause. He wanted to take her now, his body ached to release itself inside her, but he'd never wanted their first time to be fast and furious. He wanted it to be long, slow, languorous. He wanted to learn every inch of her body, he wanted to make her come, first with his hand, then his mouth, and his hand again before finally wrapping her legs around his hips and sinking into her.

"Want me to release some of the pressure?"

M raised that beautiful brow at him in the way that had turned him in long before he'd realized it did so. Her eyes darted down to indicate his groin, then back up to his face. Her smirk made his skin burn.

"No, love, if you touch me we'll be having room service. I'll just, uh..."

His voice trailed off as he indicated the bathroom where he abruptly turned to and escaped behind the closing door. He leaned against it for a moment and tried to calm his desire.

Yes, spontaneous combustion was a thing. And M would be his death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from a line in The Holiday by Iris Simpkin


	5. Chapter 4-Making Love out of Nothing at All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To love you is to yell at the top of my lungs and wait for an echo that never arrives." Beau Taplin, Unrequited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed the rating to E because this is E.

Dinner was, for lack of a better word, sublime. James made sure by the way he looked at M that there was no doubt he considered her his. Their interactions raised a few eyebrows, but also some looks of jealousy. He took note of those, the faces he memorized and would make sure to get names as the week progressed.

After dinner he took M on a walk through the gardens. There were a few people about and James held her tightly at his side, one arm around her waist, his hand just above her arse. As much as he wanted to lower it, he thought that might be overkill. It was obvious to anyone who saw them they were a couple and if any of those people looked hard enough at James they would see he was thoroughly smitten.

He swallowed the pang of regret that swelled as he reminded himself that M didn't know, and never would.

To cover his pain he maneuvered her to a secluded part of the garden where he was almost certain no one would be watching. Once there he pulled her gently against his chest and caressed her cheek.

M was surprised.

"James, we aren't..."

He swallowed her protest with a kiss. Gentle at first, to give her the possibility to push him away. But she didn't. James slid one hand up into her hair and deepened the kiss. Then he lowered his other hand to her waist and pulled her body closer to his.

When he pulled back, M looked dazed and pleased. James wished it was real, that she wasn't just acting.

"Let's go back to the room before I embarrass myself."

He gave her a smoldering look. Her response was to guide one finger down the front of his shirt to his waistband of his pants.

He grabbed her hand and shook his head.

"Don't you dare. Your look is enough to turn me on, your touch is enough to set me off."

She smiled smugly at him, but her look turned to surprise as he raised his hand to her breast and gently squeezed. She moaned and her head fell against his chest.

"Take me to bed, James."

Two years of the tightest self-control he'd ever had was all that kept him presentable enough to walk her back to their room.

\---

James tried to look natural as he waited on the bed for M to put on one of her "surprises." He'd found the hidden camera when he'd unpacked. It looked as if there was one in the bedroom. M had noticed the one in the bath.

He heard the door open and he looked up from his seat on the edge of the bed. The first thing he noticed was the challenge in her eyes, as if she dared him not to find her alluring. It seemed a waste to James who had already been half-hard waiting for her appearance, and now that he was looking at her wondered if he could make it across the small space between them before he came in his trousers.

She wore a negligee and James smiled at the color alone. It was lavender. M surely knew all the studies. Men preferred red or black or white on their women. First the teal dress, now the lavender nightie. M refused to bow to a mere man's desires. It had always been one of the most arousing things about her.

James carefully stood and walked the few steps toward her, amazed he could do even that.

He placed his hands on her upper arms and leaned in to her ear.

"You are more beautiful that any of my fantasies imagined."

He hoped that his whispered praise, so quiet that the listening devices in the room couldn't hear it, might help her understand in some small way that he was being honest.

He pressed his lips to her neck and breathed in her scent. The hotel soap, her perfume, her self, he let it all wash over him until he was sure he didn't care about the cameras or the listening devices or the mission or after the mission, there was only this one moment, and in it, M was his.

He leaned down and cradled her in his arms to carry her to bed. She lay with her head back on the pillows and her knees up and slightly spread apart. The look of desire and lust on her face drew James in for a kiss before he moved off the bed to view her.

He stood at the end of the bed and slowly began to unbutton his shirt. She smirked then hummed her approval of his tactic and folded her arms in back of her head to enjoy to show. And still she showed no acknowledgement that she was nervous or not wholeheartedly on board for what was about to happen.

James finished unbuttoning the shirt and discarded it on the floor next to him. He peeled off his t-shirt and was rewarded with a raw and needy look from M. He slowly undid his belt and opened his pants. He tried to be careful and not rub too much. He wanted tonight to last. He wanted to give her everything he never thought he could. He just hoped he could hold out that long.

Once he discarded his pants he felt slightly better. There was no friction against him and if he could just focus on M and her satisfaction, he might last long enough that she'd have an inkling of his feelings for her.

There were so many things he wanted to do, so many ways he knew to pleasure her. But he wanted to find out what she liked, and, unfortunately, with the surveillance on them, he couldn't ask. It would seem strange that he didn't know. So he decided to start with her ankles.

Leaning over the bed, he lifted one leg slightly and kissed the inside of her ankle. James knew everything there was to know about erogenous zones and could always use them to his benefit. Each woman reacted differently, though, and each woman had particular places that elicited a better response. Tonight he hoped that M was not just faking her pleasure. He knew women could, and often did. He didn't want that.

He moved on to the opposite ankle and forced himself to stop analyzing the situation. M's reaction could not be helped. None of that was her fault. She didn't want him, and he would never hold that against her. But he loved her so he didn't have to act for his part to seem real.

By the time he reached the back of her knees he was leaking. He ignored his desperate need and slowly made his way up between her legs, kissing, touching, breathing her in until he was almost lost in her. She breathed his name, and he was so glad he'd insisted on having his real first name for this. It gave him the illusion that she really wanted this from him, not just for this mission.

He pressed his lips to the juncture of her hip and her groin, just outside her panties. She made a strangled sound that would have made James burst if he didn't have himself under such tight control. He kissed her sex through her panties and she sighed and wriggled, wordlessly begging for more friction. James was all to happy to oblige. He sucked the lace and flesh between his lips. The noise she made, something between a sigh and a moan, told James he'd done something she liked so he did it again with her other lip. Her arousal smelled good, though it was not as strong as a younger woman's. Still, that was something a woman couldn't really fake, especially one M's age. The thought that he had done that to her jolted through him and he shoved all doubts aside and began to work to make her come for the first of what he wanted to be several times tonight.

In the back of his mind he reminded himself of the hidden camera and the listening device. But those didn't matter. The only person he wanted to convince that his feelings were real was the woman panting wantonly and grinding her pussy against his face.

He pushed the lace aside and sank his tongue inside her. She yelped in surprise and James looked up at her to make sure she was OK. And then he wished he hadn't. She was the image of his lustful imagination. Her head was thrown back in pleasure as her chest rose and fell quickly with her pants. She was grabbing at the sheets beside her tightly and James imagined she didn't grab hold of his head for fear of hurting him. 

He licked her inside and out before finally lifting himself to remove her panties. A disappointed noise escaped her lips. James wanted to say something to assure her that the moment was only temporary, but his own voice seemed to have lost its sense and could not be found. She looked down at him as he slid her panties slowly down her legs and off over her feet. There was a stutter in his movements when he saw the desire in her eyes. Her pupils were blown and she had that hazy look one gets when they are right on the edge of orgasm. Could one fake that? James wasn't sure. But he couldn't really remember anything at the moment. He returned her gaze with a heat of his own as he brought her panties to his face and breathed her scent deeply.

She nearly convulsed and her head fell back to the pillow again. James knew he had only moments before she came with no more help from him. He quickly returned his lips and tongue to her pussy and licked and sucked until she cried out his name and her hands immediately grabbed his head to pull him closer in. Her legs wrapped around his shoulders and back, pinning him. Her hips bucked against his face and he had to place both hands on her hips to still her as he licked and sucked her through her orgasm.

There was the slightest wetness from her and he licked it out. God, she tasted good. She had actually come for him. He really didn't think that was something someone her age could fake at all.

She was still gasping for breath as James pushed her negligee up her body. She lifted her arms as he brought it up over her head. Then he kissed her slowly and deeply, sharing her taste with her. She moaned and James felt it through his entire body. He felt her hands slide up his chest and to his shoulders, then it was James turn to yelp in surprise as she pushed him over onto his back to straddle him.

He laughed and smiled up at her. Her smug look at catching him by surprise was almost too much for him to bear. She pressed her hips gently against him as if she knew he was walking a razor's edge with his arousal. His head fell back and he closed his eyes and blindly reached for her breasts. She moaned in pleasure as he caressed her mounds. God, the feelings he had were all about to explode out of him. He wanted to tell her, wanted to say something, but when he opened his mouth he could only make sounds. 

"I think I ought to put you out of your misery."

M's husky laugh brought him out of his reverie.

"It's not misery. It's pure pleasure, heaven on bloody earth."

He knew the look he gave her was needy and sincere. She looked surprised. James lifted one breast to his mouth and began to suck on her hardened nipple while he squeezed both breasts. M responded with a cry of his name in pleasure.

"M, I need..."

James felt her lean over to the side table to reach for the lube he'd left there when he'd unpacked. He clenched his eyes tightly shut. This was going to happen. It was everything he'd ever wanted and absolutely nothing he wanted all at the same time. At this point he wasn't sure if he could get through it without having a complete emotional break down.

He heard her open the bottle and he reached blindly for it before turning her over onto her back. He carefully prepared them before he looked into her eyes. They were calm and sure. In the midst of his madness, she anchored him again. She always did. Coming after him and bringing him back from the precipice of his own disasters.

He kissed her slowly and deeply then guided himself inside her. He listened for her cues, if he was pushing in too fast or too slow. He watched her face for any sign of pain. When he was fully inside, he paused to catch his breath and close his eyes so he could focus only on where they were joined. Then, without thinking, he began to kiss her face and lips with small kisses in between each he muttered a litany of praise for her. He would never recall the words he said, his mind was too far gone at this point, too lost in the moment, in her, in suppressing the truth that this was all a lie. He couldn't think of that. It would kill him, he was certain.

M jerked her hips up against him and made a pleading noise and James began to slowly thrust, each stronger than the last. He held on as well as he could, he wanted to feel her come first. He had to, had to give her this. She deserved to be his focus, his only desire.

"James!"

She cried out as he felt the beginnings of her orgasm flutter around him. Oh, god, it really was heaven. Her cries grew increasingly needy as she grew closer to her release. When she clinched around him, he thrust hard inside her and let himself spill into her. She shuddered against him and he jerked into her, pumping himself, emptying himself into her.

The stars that had exploded behind James' eyes blinded him physically. He'd never known such deep pleasure. Of course, he'd never made love to a woman before. Not like this. The closest he'd come was with Vesper but that had never had the time to develop as deeply as his love for M had.

His face was buried in the crook of her neck. He breathed in the scent of their union and kissed her skin, tasting the salt of her sweat and his mixed together. He whispered her name then rolled them over and pulled the blanket up around them. He tucked them in together, still whispering words of praise for her. But he couldn't bring himself to look directly at her. To her, he was certain, that this must feel more like a violation, nothing she'd ever wanted. But, maybe, if he was good enough, she might at least one day believe that this was real to him.

He held her tightly against him as he fell to sleep, leaving the light next to the bed on.

* * *

Olivia looked at the clock by the bedside. It was 3am local time. Still, she couldn't sleep. She'd long since ventured away from the bed long enough to clean herself up and put on her nightie and turned off the light. The latter made her the most nervous. In the week and a half they'd lived at her flat together, James never once slept with his light off. She knew because after that first night she checked on him each night. He still had the nightmares, but she didn't go to his room when he did. In their line of work, nightmares were usual. She had her own. When Nigel had lived, he'd been a good comfort to her. Now that she woke alone when they came, she wondered if anyone had ever been a comfort to James in the aftermath.

But the nightmares were the least of her concerns this morning. The most concerning thing now was James reaction to the sex they'd had. Olivia knew him to be a good actor, she'd even had to be remotely present during some of his seductions. This was nothing like those. She had considered, in the midst of it, that it was all part of the act. They had to convince an unseen person that they were truly a couple and perhaps this was his way of showing that. But in the end she couldn't deny that he had truly made love to her. Olivia had loved her husband dearly, and their lovemaking had been good. But what James had done was more than just something to her, it was something he'd done to himself. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and if she'd thought that in the end she'd be able to reason it all away, he'd taken that excuse from her as, when he came, he leaned closely to her ear and whispered her name. Not 'M' not even "Emma' but 'Olivia.'

It made no sense to her. He was a young man in comparison to her. What could he possibly see in her?

Olivia shook her head. She pulled away from James embrace and left the bed. It really was the only way to get away from him. Each time she had tried to pull away from him he had unconsciously sought her out and pulled her back to him, mumbling her name. She hoped it was quiet enough that whomever was recording them couldn't understand what he was saying, because it was never her cover name he whispered.

She walked over to the sink in the small bar area and filled a glass with water. Then she pulled a blanket out of the closet and wandered over to the small couch by the window and wrapped herself in the blanket and sat down to drink her water. And to ponder what could possibly be going on with James.

After his nightmare on the plane, he'd looked at her the same as he did that first night, as if he was surprised to find her alive. On the plane he had said as much. She thought it might have something to do with the incident at Skyfall, but that made no sense. It was over two years past now, surely he must be over that, and the loss of his family home must be more traumatic to him than her near death experience. She was just his boss.

She scoffed at that. Men didn't sit by the hospital bedsides of women who were "just their boss." She sighed. She should have put a stop to it then. Should have been more insistent that he go home. But she was pathetically lonely. Especially after her children had visited. They reminded her that she no longer had Nigel for comfort and companionship. Their lives had moved on without her, as children's lives do and should.

James wouldn't budge, not even when Mallory began to take issues with his presence, demanding he return to London for an evaluation and a possible return to active duty.

Guilt. That was what she'd finally settled on. James felt guilty for what had happened to her. He'd been unable to completely protect her from harm.

And there was his guilt for his disappearance after his mission in Turkey. He'd apologized so many times that she told him she would have him shot again if he didn't drop it. He didn't find that terrifying at all, but when she'd told him not to visit with her again if he didn't stop apologizing, he obeyed and hadn't mentioned anything about the incident again.

She should have known. She should have seen the signs. Dammit. She'd allowed one of her agents to become attached to her. She should have stopped it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a noise from the bed. James sounded as if he was whimpering. She wondered if he was searching for her in the bed. She sighed deeply and pushed herself up from the couch. But as she made her way back to the bed, she realized that wasn't the problem. He was having another nightmare. She stood still in the middle of the room and listened.

The whimpers and cries were punctuated by words, the tone of which sounded as if he was begging. "Please" and "No" and "I'm sorry."

He settled down for a moment and Olivia resumed her walk back to the bed. She was nearly there when he made a shout, thrashing in the sheets as if he was in a fight.

"James."

She called to him but he didn't respond, he kept fighting some invisible force that tangled him more deeply in the sheets.

"James!"

Her voice was louder and more commanding.

"M" he called out. "M, I can't see you. Where are you? I can't find you. Oh, god, please."

She hurried to the lamp and switched it on.

What she saw scared her. James was white as sheet, as if he was in shock. His breathing was frenetic and he was convulsing. Fear had complete control over him. His eyes were open, but he saw nothing, she could tell by how unfocused they were.

He called to her again. She didn't dare venture too near him until he was fully awake, not with the way he was struggling earlier.

"James. I'm right here."

"M, I can't see you, I can't find you."

Olivia nearly gave into the fear herself right then as he began to weep openly. But that would help nothing.

"Here, James."

Her voice commanded he look to her, and he did. She watched as his eyes slowly came into focus and took in the sight of her. Then they darted around the room, attempting to find out where he was. Then back to her as he finally remembered. He collapsed back on the bed.

Olivia moved to sit beside him. He was covered in sweat and twisted so badly in the sheets that he possibly had them knotted around his legs.

"James, what happened?"

"Nightmare."

He wouldn't say more.

"What was it about?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You said that you couldn't find me."

He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips.

"I love you."

Olivia waited a moment and watched as he drifted back to sleep. She leaned over to turn off the lamp but his hand reached up and snatched her arm.

"No. Please."

"Alright."

She agreed and then crawled back into bed next to him. He kicked the sheets off his legs then rolled himself over on top of her and began to kiss her. Slowly and steadily, he made love to her. It wasn't as intense as their first time earlier, but she felt it none-the-less. This time he remembered to call her 'M' when he came, but it didn't lessen her worries.

James was in love with her. He'd probably been in love with her for years, maybe even before Skyfall. How the hell had she missed it?

'You know.'

Her thoughts whispered the truth.

Yes, she'd known, but she couldn't believe it. Not with who they both were. And definitely not with her age and her white hair and her wrinkles.

How could someone like James fall in love with someone as old and as disagreeable as she? It wasn't as if she'd ever given him a glimmer of interest. 

As she drifted to sleep, memories floated through her mind, a snowy night meeting, "I never left," a sunny beachside, "I knew you were you," so many little things that meant nothing taken individually, but now, when brought together with this new knowledge...

Olivia wasn't sure what any of this meant for both of them, only that it could never be. They could not ever be, not the way she now suspected James felt. Still, she burrowed under the sheets and closer to him. He held her more tightly and sighed contentedly, as if he had everything he'd ever wanted.

Olivia felt her heart break for him.


	6. Ch 5-The Hell I Suffer Seems a Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And in the lowest deep a lower deep,  
> Still threat'ning to devour me, opens wide,  
> To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven." John Milton, Paradise Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, more James angst and Olivia denial.

James slowly woke as light from the window brushed across his face. He could tell by the feel of his body that he was sexually sated in a way he'd never been. He turned his head and smiled at the reason why. M lay beside him, her hair mussed from sleep and from the previous nights activities. God, this woman was amazing. His skin still thrummed as the memory of her touch ghosted across his body. He could feel her lips on his, then on other parts of his body. She had been magnificent. Now Bond felt the stirrings of arrousal again.

With any other woman he'd have woken her with soft kisses or light caresses. This morning he just watched M sleep. He wanted to memorize every detail of her face like this. She'd be angry because she slept like everyone else. But James found even the way her mouth hung open adorable. He'd never been given the opportunity to see this and who knew how many more mornings they'd have together? If the people who were behind the kidnappings and murders struck quickly, as they seemed to in the other cases, it would only be a matter of days before this was over.

M's face began to twitch, her mouth shut, and she took a deep breath as she rolled over onto her back. James could tell by her breathing that she was just barely awake. He leaned over and pressed a kiss on her shoulder. She sighed as a smile began to play about her lips. 

He kissed her along her collarbone and felt his arousal grow when she whispered his name. This was unfortunately followed by both their stomachs grumbling simultaneously.

M chuckled and the sound hit James in his gut and flew to his groin. He pressed her back into the pillow and kissed her soundly.

"I vote for room service."

He growled as he nipped her chin before starting his journey down her neck toward her chest.

He took one nipple into his mouth and sucked at it. M's moans of pleasure encouraging him. He took her other breast in his hand and fondled it until the nipple was taut. M was panting and sighing his name. He leaned over her so he could reach his free hand between her legs. He pressed his palm against her sex. He had marveled the previous night at the lack of hair. He knew women shaved there to make themselves more sensitive, but he'd read that older women often lose the hair. She was certainly very sensitive but he figured it was for the latter reason.

She bucked up against his hand and he pressed harder, then, impatient to make her come, he reached over for the lube and squeezed a good amount on his fingers. 

M gasped quietly as James slipped one finger inside her. Then she whimpered a whispered 'yes' as he followed with a second. He pressed his palm against her clit as he built up a pleasurable rhythm inside her. She gasped when she began to quiver around his fingers and he cut off her cry as she came with a searing kiss. 

He stroked her gently as she came back down. This time he was brave enough to look at her face. But her eyes were closed. James mustered his courage and waited for her to finally look at him. 

There was a tenderness there when she opened her eyes, but also a wariness that reminded James again that this was just a job. He knew, he understood. He'd been in her position many times. 

He kissed her gently to hide the pain.

"I'll order room service."

"What about you?"

M's voice was still rough from their passion. Her hand slid down between them and she stroked his cock slowly.

"I think you're next."

Next meant pushing him into his back and trailing kisses down his chest toward the center of his body until James thought he'd die of pleasure just anticipating what she was about to do.

He whimpered quietly as she licked the length of him. 

"M. I'm not going to last."

"No. You most certainly aren't."

She moved to make herself comfortable over him then slowly took him into her mouth. He couldn't take his eyes off her as she expertly used her mouth and her tongue to make him harder than he was sure he'd ever been.

Like their joining the night before, he never wanted this to end. This feeling of giving himself wholly over to her in ways he'd never imagined possible, this feeling of union with her in ways he'd told himself for years were wrong, this was what he wanted to feel. This was his unattainable wish.

It was barely a moment before he knew he could hold himself together no longer.

"M. I can't..."

He started to warn her, to give her a chance to back off and simply take him in hand, but she responded by sucking more vigorously and raising a hand to stroke his balls and scrotum, at which point he lost all control and didn't even have the decency to come quietly out of respect for whomever might be in the next room, or in the hallway for that matter.

He watched her finish swallowing him down barely registering anything but the pleasure still convulsing through his entire body.

She pushed herself off him and gave him a smug look, which he thought she certainly deserved to do.

"Oh, God, M."

He dropped his head back to the pillow and felt her shift to get off the bed.

He closed his eyes as the hurt tightened his chest. 

She needed a break. She needed to get away from him. How many any times had he felt the same after performing an intense sex act with a mark. He understood. But his understanding didn't make the pain any less.

"Shall I order breakfast?"

His eyes shot open in surprise. He expected her to flee to the toilet, yet there she stood at the foot of the bed in all her beautiful, naked glory, discussing breakfast.

James felt almost giddy as he nodded. 

\---

Olivia stared out across the water of the large pool, her sunglasses hiding her gaze, but her vision not really focused on anything. She was too lost in her own thoughts, though her mind kept trying to remind her why she was really here.

James was ordering them drinks and sandwiches. He'd been grinning like an idiot all morning.

Olivia groaned at her stupidity. She'd been caught up in the pleasure of the moment this morning and, now she could admit, the notion that James was in love with her. Those things had spurred her on to, well, stupidity, apparently. 

She registered the familiar gait of her agent, no, former agent, she told herself. She was retired, there was nothing wrong with getting involved with him. Except for the fact that she was not in love with him. She couldn't be. It wasn't something someone like herself would do...fall in love with a man 30 years younger.

As he walked toward her, wearing nothing but tight swim trunks and that same damned grin he'd had on his face since before breakfast, she noted the turning heads. More than a few females turning to follow his movements. Olivia assessed each woman as to whether she would approve of them.

Just as a mother or a good friend would do, she told herself. 

James needed someone who could give him what he desired, more than sex, he needed a long term companion. She suspected he might even want children. She was capable of neither. She was in her 70s.

As he approached she smiled at him and moved off her chair to help with the food and drinks.

They sat and ate under the shade of a poolside umbrella, discussing innocuous things just as if they really were vacationing. 

After, they took a walk around the grounds and down to the beach. They were silent and James seemed content to simply hold her hand. 

Occasionally she'd glance up at him only to find him looking down at her. Olivia began to feel a sense of unease about the situation. He was spending more time looking at her than paying attention to their surroundings. 

But as much as she wanted to command him to keep his head in the game, she was afraid he'd read her reaction as rejection. And now that she seemed to have crossed some line, that worried her more.

God, what a mess.

it should only be another day or two and it would be over. Then she'd put things right between them again. James would have to see reason.

A small voice inside reminded her that he hadn't seen "reason" with Vesper until the woman had betrayed him. Olivia wondered what she was going to have to do in the end to get him to understand she simply didn't have the same feelings as he? She hoped whatever it was it wouldn't damage him beyond what he could handle.


	7. Ch 6-Reality Interrupts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's over and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real. -- Quote Unattributed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so that last chapter I wrote because I wanted James to have some happy for a little while before it all turned sad. Now, we must move him back into reality. 
> 
> Not heavily edited. My apologies for typos and poor sentence structure.

Two days later, London, MI6 Headquarters 

Tanner stared at his phone for several minutes after Olivia hung up. She was worried about James.  That told Tanner volumes. Not just that she felt Bond was letting his guard down and becoming complacent but that she was not even tempted to. Had he read her so wrong?

He sighed a deep, melancholy sigh and clicked on the encrypted file on his screen. When it opened he flipped slowly through the photos until he arrived at the one he wanted, the one he'd thought he'd understood.

Olivia was staring out the window of her sitting room into her garden, her arms crossed on her chest. Her eyes told him her thoughts were miles away. She looked concerned, almost as deeply as he knew James was. James had just come into the room after changing for the photos they would take in the garden. He was dressed casually and his hands were in his pockets. He'd glanced over at Bill, but Bill hadn't acknowledged him. Bond must have thought Tanner was just scanning through the shots he'd already taken. Bill snapped the shot just as Bond looked back at Olivia with such longing that Bill thought it felt voyeuristic just to see.

It had been a tense day for him. He wasn't a trained field agent like the two of them were and he couldn't pretend it wasn't bothering him. 

Tanner continued to look through the photographs. The way the two had looked at each other, knowing how Bond truly felt, presuming to know how Olivia felt...god, how could he have been so stupid? 

Olivia hadn't secreted away her feelings for Bond the way Bond had for her. He was just her favorite agent and now he was just a good friend. 

Tanner looked back at the photo from the sitting room and stared hard at Olivia. He'd thought she worried for the same reason as James. Now he realized it was just the mission she'd been thinking on. He could see now without bias that she looked as she often did when she sent any of her agents out. 

Tanner swallowed the lump that had grown in his throat. 

Finally, he had enough. It was late enough in the day to leave without issue so he gathered his things, locked down his computer, then his office and started toward the lift.

He smelled Eve's perfume before he saw her turn the corner in front of him. When she saw him her face lit up in such a beautiful smile. It made him want to take her in his arms. Instead he simply said, "goodnight, Moneypenny," and continued on after her acknowledgement.

As he drove home he found his thoughts drifting to Eve and to the time when he thought they might make a go of it. But they were too different, as Eve had pointed out. And those differences stood in the way of anything deeper than friends.

But James and Olivia were two sides of the same coin. Their stubbornness and tenacity had driven them to heights in MI6 that most never believed either would achieve. 

Bill had worked closely with both for many years and had seen their work relationship develop. They worked off each other. Olivia knew what James needed to get the job done, whether a wicked retort or the stroking of his ego, and James would go to the ends of the earth to do what Olivia commanded. There were times that, from his view, the two of them took on an "us against the world" mentality, even in the face of those in authority over Olivia.

While Olivia headed MI6, that was all their relationship could be. Now, though, they could have more.

Bill sighed as he parked his car outside his flat.

He hated to admit it, but James was right. This was not going to end well. James would be broken-hearted, and Olivia would lose what Bill knew had become her closest friend.

He felt his phone buzz with a text as he ascended his front steps. He read the message from Q and cursed before he called.

"How the bloody hell did we not see this before?"

Tanner was speaking before Q could even say hello.

"Well, we've just been trying to dig deeper since there was really nothing else to go on."

"So it's possible that this is the reason nothing's happened yet?"

"Possibly."

"Damn."

Tanner entered his flat and closed the door.

"M's in the US this week but pass it along to him and I'll notify Bond."

"Alright."

Q cut the line and Tanner considered the wisdom of waiting until the next check in, or calling Bond now.

\----

He watched in the open. It was always easy. A couple like that drew the attention of everyone. 

Most were repulsed, as they should be. A younger man in a relationship with a woman old enough to be his mother was nauseating. But that was as far as the revulsion went. The majority of the people never considered the actual truth. The reason a young man would do such a thing in the first place. It was always about money. No young man could look at an older woman and actually find her attractive. He found her money attractive. And this Brandt fellow was just the same. 

When he'd found them out, he flew in immediately. And, at first, he had to say even he was doubtful that his conclusion was correct. The man certainly appeared to be in love. And if his nightmares were anything to go by, there might be something deeper than just the woman's pockets.

Time would tell, he thought, and waved the waitress over to refill his drink.

They were booked for a week, and if Brandt didn't give himself up here, he could follow them back to England. He had investments there and it wouldn't look suspicious to anyone.

He'd been successful several times with no one the wiser. Most of them the authorities hadn't even connected.

Brandt picked up his phone to read a text, then he leaned over to kiss the woman, Emma, on the cheek and whispered something to her. He left the table.

The woman watched him walk away. She had taken on a more and more concerned look when the young man wasn't watching. She looked as if she suspected his duplicity. 

With the other men, it hadn't taken much of a push. And while that push had been waiting in the wings, maybe he should get things started in that direction.

He picked up his phone and dialed. 

"It will be soon, I think."

He waited for the acknowledgement and turned his attention toward the bar where a lovely brunette sat, sipping on her cocktail and staring out at Brandt who was on the veranda making a phone call.

He was a patient man when need be. But that didn't mean he wanted to wait.

\----

James leaned his elbows on the railing of the veranda and stared out at the ocean view.

Damn, he'd been such a fool. 

Since that first morning, when M hadn't fled the bedroom after sex, he'd convinced himself there was something there, something in her eyes that meant she was beginning to have similar feelings for him.

She wasn't wary anymore when they made love. He had even woke to her snuggled against him this morning.

And last night...well, it was the first time he'd had a full night's  sleep since Skyfall. No nightmares at all.

If Tanner's new information on the case was correct, there would be no more nights like that.

And if his new personal information was correct...James didn't want to think about it. He'd deal with that later. 

For now, he had a contact to make.

Straightening his back and his thoughts, he walked back into the resort restaurant. He stopped by the bar to order two drinks. Sure enough, there was a young woman sitting at the bar. She looked up and smiled at him. He smiled back and made an openly furtive glance toward Olivia, as if he was worried she'd see the exchange.

She was looking the other direction so he moved closer to the woman, but not close enough to encourage too much conversation.

He waited for the drinks and for any sort of movement by the woman.

Q didn't have much on her yet. Only that she'd been present at two of the previous murder locations, and that she'd been seen on surveillance talking with the last male victim at the hotel bar. Obviously too much of a coincidence. James wondered how these people had been missed so far. It wasn't as if she was trying to hide herself. Or maybe, with a few successful kills, they were becoming overconfident.

"You have been with your, uh, girlfriend long?"

The voice was heavily accented, Spanish, maybe Salamanca? James would pass the info along to Q.

"A few months."

"Not often one sees such a happy couple."

James smirked at her words hoping to give the illusion that he might not be entirely happy.

"No, one doesn't."

He sighed as the bartender handed him the drinks and he gave him a tip, asking the tab be put on the bill.

He smiled at the woman as he took leave, but that was all. He didn't want to raise suspicions at the ease of his attentions. Better to wait to see what happened tonight.

\----

M was silent as they walked along the beach after their lunch. James had told her everything Tanner had relayed and that the woman Q sent a photo of was indeed at the resort. He told her of his brief interaction verbatim. Now he waited for her to decide when he'd make his move.

Under the circumstances he usually operated, he'd decide for himself. But he deferred to her, not simply because she had been his boss, but because she had to be the one to tell him to leave and go to the other woman. James was going to have a hard enough time as it was.

"We really ought to go ahead and try for tonight."

James wanted to argue against it. He wanted another day with her. But then he'd want another after that, and another. It was time he faced the cold light of day, so to speak.

"Alright."

He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her and telling her his real feelings.

Less than 24 hours now and it would all be over. In far more ways than one.

"It will be fine, Bond."

And they were back to business.

James stared out across the water and his favorite Christmas song came to mind...

I wish I had a river, I could skate away on.

He turned and walked down the beach without her. 

His whole life had been marked with the deepest of losses. Even at his age, the anniversary of his parent's deaths caused him pain. 

As the years went by he'd lost friends and people so close he considered them family. He'd shut people out. He used to think he'd done it until he met Vesper, but in hindsight he realized he'd let M in, albeit in an unusual way, long before.

It had been a slow thing for him to realize just how deeply he had allowed her to penetrate his heart.

Now he would lose her too. And this would be the greatest loss.

James wound up at the end of a short dock, where he sat and gazed off across the open sea. He tried to shut out all thoughts, just hoping to make it through the next 24 hours.

How stupid he'd been. He should have spotted the woman. Q said she'd checked in the day after he and M. But he'd been too busy behaving like the lovesick sod he was. 

He heard someone walking up behind him. In a moment his ears identified the steps as M's. She had become that familiar to him.

He didn't look up as she slowly took a seat next to him.

"I notified Tanner that we were going to try for tonight. He'll be monitoring the trackers if one of us doesn't check in on the hour after you leave."

James closed his eyes to shut out the thought that he didn't want to leave her tonight, or any other night.

"It'll be alright, James. We know they don't kill the victims right away. They want the bank codes first."

The thought of bank codes didn't help. It reminded him too much of Vesper. Only now he was Vesper because he felt like he was betraying M. 

"I know."

"And Tanner has back up in place and he'll send them as soon as he tracks us."

They were silent after that. What more was there to say? Tanner had told him what M had said. It was obvious now he'd misread her. He'd never felt so off. Even when he'd learned of Vesper's deception he'd instantly become single minded in his focus. Hunt her down, get the money, and, if necessary, kill her.

M had been understanding. She'd defended his actions and told her superiors he'd been acting on her orders the whole time, trying to force Vesper's hand.

"We'll have to continue with things as we have. We can't afford to slip up tonight."

M's voice broke the silence he'd begun to lose himself in.

For the first time her voice was neither a comfort nor a catalyst. And James wished he could just walk away. But it was too late for that. He had a job to do, they both did. And it was time to behave like the professional she expected him to be.

He nodded and stood, then reached a hand down to help her up. He wanted to begin distancing himself, but his need for her forced him to reach for her and take her into his arms. They stood together, his face buried in her neck, her hands stroking his back in a consoling manner. James knew they had to move, they had to return. He had to pull himself back together. He would, if for no other reason than to please her.

He pulled slightly back and searched her face, hoping that she would at least acknowledge that she knew his true feelings for her. There was no pity in her look, only understanding. She smiled softly at him and he was again reminded that she was the one person who knew him. No one else had ever known him, understood the way he thought, or the reasons he did things the way he did. M knew. She understood. He loved her for it. A life without her in it was not one he wanted to face.

She suddenly reached up and pulled him down into a passionate kiss. James gave himself over to it. He lowered his hands to her hips and pulled her up against him. Her groan at the feel of him sent shivers to every nerve ending.

Mustering all his courage, James pulled away and took her by the hand so they could walk back to the hotel. It was barely after luncheon, and now they'd have to wait several hours before they could consider making their move. Now that he was facing the reality of the situation, James was in no hurry to get back to their room. Instead he lead M to the spa.

"I think you're deserving of some pampering."

They made an appointment for "the works" for an hour away and went back to the hotel restaurant lounge for a drink while they waited. The woman was gone, which was a relief to James. He and M sat at a table with their drinks and spoke of nothing in particular as they waited. To James it felt as if he was waiting to be lead to the gallows.

It was nearly time for M to return to the spa when she reached across the table for his hand to pull him closer and leaned to his ear to whisper.

"She's returned. She's at a table three behind you."

James nodded in acknowledgement.

"I'll leave you to it, then."

She spoke more loudly as she pulled away, indicating that he should stay while she went back to the spa.

James was almost relieved they might not have to go back to the room this evening. He hadn't been sure he could have made tonight look like anything but "goodbye sex." He turned his eyes to stare at the table so he wouldn't watch her leave. He doubted he'd have looked like a dissatisfied lover if he did.

It didn't take but five minutes before the woman made her way to the bar, then pretended to be surprised to see him sitting alone.

"She's gone to have herself a long treatment in the spa."

He hoped he sounded vaguely disinterested and that the look he gave her when she asked to join him at the table was curious without overplaying his hand.

This would go down as the one assignment where James was completely unsure of himself. He tried to bring himself into focus. Self-doubt would get himself or M hurt or worse. He couldn't let that happen again. It was one thing to have to part ways at the end, it was quite another for her to be killed.

General introductions revealed the woman as Calista, visiting from Spain, via the United States where she was involved in her father's business. The business was rather vague, but James  pretended that business wasn't something he understood.

"What do you understand, Mr. Brandt?"

He gave her a pleasant smile, not too seductive, but just enough.

"Women."

She laughed and James thought it the most hideous sound. It made his stomach twist, not at all like the affect M's laugh had always had on him.

"What do you understand about women?"

"I know what they want and need."

"And that is?"

"Attention. Affection."

She nodded.

"I think you are right. Is that how you won your Emma?"

"Mostly. But I would think you'd know it would work on any woman."

She took looked him over as if she wanted to see if it would work on her. James thought it was somewhat hilarious that they were both playing each other, and doing a damned good job at it if her response was anything to go by.

"Do you work it on other women?"

James just smiled and let that be his answer.

She smiled back and James knew this would be over more quickly than he had even planned. He hoped M had notified Tanner on her way to the spa.

"How long do you have?"

He deftly covered his revulsion, the idea that this woman thought she could even compare to being with M.

"Long enough."

"534"

She gave him her room number and stood. 

The next ten minutes James felt as if he was in a mental fog. He finished his drink slowly before he made his way to the elevator. His stomach churned at the idea of touching this woman. The thought of sex with her made him want to walk away from the assignment. Only the knowledge that M needed him to do this moved his feet forward.

He tried to push the images of the woman he'd loved for far too long from his mind. He couldn't think of her now. He had to focus or else he'd fail her, and that was not an option.

James thought of all the times he'd tried to hook up with women in the months following the ordeal at Skyfall. Each time was a failure. Even the few he'd got into a hotel room he ended up making apologies to and leaving. He hadn't looked at another woman in nearly two years.

For his work, while he'd previously made liberal use of his prerogative to use seduction to meet his ends, he used it sparingly now. The last time he was with a woman for an assignment he found himself counting down the days until he would be forced into retirement. 

He'd only stayed on for her. He knew it pleased her that he'd continued working. Otherwise he'd have left the service.

The elevator opened onto the fifth floor startling James out of his thoughts.

He walked down the hall with all the feelings of a man headed to the gallows. 

After this, it was over. After this, they'd head back to England and everything he had, he'd lose.

He had never hated his work more than this moment.

He took a deep breath and put on the best mask he could, glad he should look a little nervous. Then he knocked on the door.

Calista opened the door slightly and leaned against the jamb. She had changed into a black silk and lace gown and James thought she couldn't compare to M in her gardening clothes.

He smiled as she pushed the door open further and he crowded himself against her into the room.

It took less than a second to register a pain in his neck. He looked at her and saw her wicked grin. He attempted to turn around to find the person who had injected him, instead he caught sight of M lying unconscious on the bed.

He fell to the floor and looked up to find a somewhat familiar face next to the woman. He'd seen him around the resort, he knew that. 

James tried to fight the effects of whatever drug. His mind screaming at him to get to M and get her out. 

"Strong one, aren't you?"

He looked at the man as he struggled to stand. There was a syringe in his hand and James tried to knock it away. That action only caused him to fall back into the floor.

"M."

He tried to call to her as he felt the needle plunge into his arm. Then things became fuzzy before they turned black.

 


	8. Ch 7--I'll Lie if I Have to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't deny that I want you but I'll lie if I have to~~Take Care by Drake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are crazy busy here, as well as a the whole of what goes along with that...but I finally had time to finish this chapter and edit it. When I first started working on this story, this chapter was going to be even worse than it is. But I just couldn't do it. I do hope I've been able to convey the pain though. 
> 
> Olivia's POV.

The pain that woke her. It was throbbing in her head and down her spine. She tried to lift her head and it was then she realized she was seated. Her arms were bound behind her. The chair she was in was made of wood and certainly not comfortable, probably not even if she had been sitting in it voluntarily.

Her neck was stiff and she surmised she must have been in the chair at least an hour. She couldn't be sure, though, because the room, no, not a room, an empty, rather large, walk-in windowless closet that was dimly lit through the cracks around the door. She finally made out that James was trussed and tossed onto the floor just a few feet from her.

She called to him quietly, but he made no response. She concentrated on listening to his breaths. They were regular, that was a relief. He just hadn't recovered from whatever drug they'd given him to knock him out. Or maybe they'd actually knocked him unconscious physically. Olivia didn't relish that thought. They were in a bad enough situation as it was.

Closing her eyes, she ran through some mental exercises to bring her back into focus before she fell into a panic that her drugged mind seemed to be tugging her toward.

Tanner knew where they were, in theory. Both she and James had been chipped. Her arm didn't feel extraordinarily sore in the spot where her chip had been inserted. The only pain was from the bindings. This was good. As soon as they missed their check in, Tanner would put the back up into motion. But there was still the matter of making sure they had the people behind this. If they stormed into this house, or flat, or whatever they were in, while James and Olivia were here alone, they might never get another good chance at finding them.

She called to James again, but still there was no response at all. The throbbing in her head was getting worse and she focused on taking deep breaths to hopefully alleviate some of the pain.

The minutes began to tick into a quarter hour, then thirty minutes. She wondered how long they'd be kept waiting.

She smiled at the image of what the situation would be like if James was awake. He was not a patient person if he didn't feel the situation warranted it.

An image of James smiling at her over yet another dinner at her flat floated through her mind. She was telling him a story from her early days in the service. His eyes danced in amusement at her tale. And there was something else there. There was always something else there. The way he looked at her with such happiness and, if she didn't know him better, contentment.

But James was never content, was he? Oh, damn, this was all so confusing and her drugged mind wasn't helping. Why would she be able to cause James to be content? It was ridiculous. There must be something terribly wrong with him to find comfort in her. She was an old, wrinkled woman with not many years left in her. She could never give him children. Hell, she might not even be able to give him sex for much longer.

_"For godssakes, stop being so damn stubborn woman."_

The voice in Olivia's head sounded strangely like her late husband.

_"But that was different."_

She started to argue with the voice.

_"We were both younger. We could have a future together."_

_"That's not what you told me, and you know it."_

Olivia sighed. No, that was not what she'd told Nigel. In fact, she'd told Nigel there was no future with her. He knew she worked for MI6, but that was the extent. They'd met soon after she left the field. She was very inspired by the fact that she had lived through her 00 years and had plans, big plans. None of them included a husband and children. They mostly included shattering glass ceilings by cunning and the hard work she knew it would take to break through those walls that the men had spent centuries erecting. She was married to her work, and her loyalty was only to Queen and Country. A man couldn't understand that, couldn't want that. She need look no further than most women's magazines or even among her former classmates for evidence of that.

She'd finally given Nigel an ultimatum, they would try it for five years and if he couldn't hack it as the husband whose wife had a mistress called work, then they'd part their ways amicably. She'd thought she couldn't have cared less. But in almost immediate hindsight she knew that wasn't true. Nigel had been the perfect match for a woman like her. When she would come home after days of trials at work, her ire piqued, his eyes would flash with desire. He would make love to her until she thought she might not move again.

When she got her inevitable midnight calls summoning her across the city or across the globe, he never grumbled or complained. He'd watch her dress and pack and walk her to the door, pulling her into a passionate embrace.

_"Remember that when those arses make like you're just some ordinary woman. You're not, and when you come home, I'll prove it to you again."_

Olivia felt her eyes prick with tears as she recalled their years together. When he died, she threw herself completely into her work. She sold their flat they both loved so much and moved into a more humble one. She'd hoped those things would make her forget, but how could one forget forty years of love that strong?

She'd resigned herself to most likely dying at her desk, until Mallory came along with his suggestion of retirement. Retire into what? At that time she didn't even have James anymore.

Her thoughts caught her off guard. She'd never had James, alive or missing it was all the same.

_"Is it?"_

She was telling Nigel-in-her-head to shut up when the door to the closet door opened and an older man came in. There were no windows visible in the room outside so Olivia still could get no bearing.

She sighed as she adjusted her mindset to play the part of an elderly kidnap victim.

"Mrs. Mawdsley, I see you're awake. Not so for your young lover."

He turned a light on and after her eyes adjusted she could look behind her to see a small table with a lamp atop it.

She looked back at the man and found him studying her.

"Have you been crying?"

He clicked his tongue.

"A pity. Of course, by the time we're done here, you will certainly be crying again."

His accent was American. Possibly somewhere from the west coast. God, American accents could be so damned difficult once you got west of the Rockies, and the people were forever moving about and claiming some new area to be their "hometown" and even changing their own accents accordingly.

She watched him walk over to James and gasped as he pulled back his leg and kicked James in the gut.

"Stop it!"

In response the man kicked him again. This time James groaned.

"Stop kicking him. You'll injure him."

The man didn't look back at Olivia before he replied.

"That won't be a concern of yours for long. Besides, by the time you learn all there is to know about James Brandt, you'll be asking me to kick him again."

To emphasize the man kicked him again. James coughed and moaned. The man pulled a chair over to where James was lying and began to nudge James' face with his foot.

After a few moments James finally appeared to be somewhat alert. He glanced up at the man sitting over him then his eyes turned to find Olivia.

"M."

His eyes conveyed his concern for her.

"Welcome back, James."

The normal tone the man used unnerved Olivia. It was not usually a sign of great humanity to speak that kindly to someone you were holding hostage, let alone accosting the way he'd done James.

"As you can see, Emma is here. But, I'm afraid the lovely Calista won't be joining us. She's returned home after helping her dear old father, you see."

So the woman is his daughter, Olivia thought. That is about as sick as one can get, using his own daughter as sexual bait.

She looked back at James. His returned look was pleading, but Olivia didn't understand why.

"Have you told dear Emma about your new friend, James?"

Olivia played as if she didn't know what he was talking about.

James looked stricken and Olivia hoped he was just playing the role of a man caught in the act of cheating. There was something about him that didn't look as if he was. Maybe the drugs were still clouding his thoughts.

Their captor kicked James in the gut again.

"Tell her."

His calm voice created a terrifying contrast to his violence toward James.

James remained silent.

"Fine. If you choose to go the more dangerous route to confession...."

He dragged James up onto the chair he'd been sitting in then strapped him to it with a belt across his chest and another across his legs. Olivia watched him as he walked to the table behind her and pulled a syringe out of a box.

"What's that?"

The man smiled at Olivia's question.

"Something that will help with my pursuit of truth."

He turned back to James, the syringe held near Olivia, and James' eyes widened in fear.

"What do you want? I'll give it to you, just don't hurt her."

His voice cracked as he pleaded with their captor.

"I won't hurt her, James. You'll do that yourself."

He stepped over to James and plunged the needle into his shoulder.

James barely flinched. He looked at Olivia and she thought he appeared relieved that whatever the man was doing he was doing it to him instead of her.

She watched him as his eyes became unfocused. 

"James."

She called to him to see if she could still get his attention or if the drug was knocking him out again. His head dropped and Olivia felt a moment of panic. 

"Really, Emma. You shouldn't worry about him so much. I doubt he'd share the same concern for you."

"Whatever are you going on about?"

"I found young James, and he really is rather young don't you think, with my lovely daughter."

Olivia closed her eyes. She knew how it looked to their captor but she actually just needed to maintain her focus. Her mind was still drugged and her instinctive responses, the ones that made it clear why she was given the position as the head of MI6, were not what she needed right now. She had to focus on playing an elderly victim. It was proving difficult at the moment when all she wanted to do was defend James.

"They were having a liaison."

He'd leaned into her and breathed the words in her ear. In her drugged state she hadn't noticed the movement and she jumped at the surprise of his proximity.

Her surprise worked in her favor. He leaned back and smirked at her when she looked at him.

"I'm sure there's a better explanation."

She had to make her voice sound weak and possibly fragile. This wasn't going to work otherwise. She used to be so damn good at this. Maybe all those years in charge had hardened her too much. She should have considered this before agreeing to the assignment.

She looked over at James. His head was still down and she worried her lip the way she thought she'd do if she wasn't so confident that Bill would get them out of this.

'Hurry, Bill.'

Her thoughts were wrong, she knew. They still needed more evidence, needed a confession to the other murders.

She looked up sharply when she heard the door open and close. She hadn't noticed their captor leaving. She hoped when he returned that the drugs would be out of her system and she could be more present. She didn't want to mess things up.

She called to James a few more times, but he didn't respond. Finally, she felt herself grow weary, whether from the drugs or worry, she didn't know, but she began to nod off.

She was awakened by a gentle touch to her cheek and her name being whispered softly. She jerked awake when she opened her eyes and saw James kneeling before her.

"You're free. Oh, thank God. Just get these bindings off and we can search the house and be away from here. That man is insane."

"I can't."

Olivia looked up at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't cut you loose."

"Why not?"

"I have to leave."

"OK. You can search the house, but I still need to be out of these bindings in case he comes back."

James shook his head.

"James, stop being so difficult and just get me the hell out of this chair."

"I can't."

"Oh, damn it all, James. Do try to make sense."

"I can't stay here. I need to go."

The door opened behind him and Olivia saw the daughter standing there.

"Are you ready James?"

James sighed as if he was resigned to his fate and as Olivia gazed in surprise, the woman changed into another woman.

"What's going on James?"

"I have to leave."

"That's not a bloody answer."

She was becoming more agitated and the woman changed again. This time she looked vaguely familiar. Olivia thought she might have once worked for MI6.

"Where are you going?"

James looked behind him at the woman, who was changing yet again.

"With them."

His voice was tinged with regret and when he turned back to her he looked so sad it made her want to cry.

"You don't have to James."

He nodded.

"Yes, I do."

"But why?"

"Because you don't see things the way I do. And I know you never will. I want you. I love you. I have tried so hard to prove that over the years we've known each other, but you can't see it. So I go with them."

James stood and Olivia tried to think of something to say to make him stay.

"Don't go."

James stopped and gave her a hopeful look.

"I don't want you to go."

James looked even more hopeful now but he didn't move back toward her.

"Why not?"

He was waiting for her to say something, the words that would make him stay. And Olivia knew what they were. She thought them in her head but they made no sense. Why would he want them from her?

She looked behind him and the woman had again changed. Each of the women was young and beautiful. Their skin was smooth and supple, no wrinkles, no age spots, no sagging.

"Olivia, please."

She looked back up at him. His words and look begging her.

She only shook her head.

"Why not? Olivia, why not?"

"We can't. We just can't."

The pain on his face was almost too much and she almost gave in.

"Alright. If that's what you want. I would do anything for you, whatever it is you ask."

He turned and walked slowly toward the woman, who was changing again. She was still beautiful, still young.

James looked back at her one last time, longing in his eyes, then he stepped through the door. The woman closed it behind them.

Olivia heard a sniffle at her side and turned to see Nigel wiping his eyes.

"Nigel, what are you doing here?"

"Me? I don't know. It's your bloody, drug-induced dream. I just wanted to be left in peace but I had to come watch you throw what's left of your life away."

She stared at him unsure how to reply.

"He deserves better."

She was surprised at her husband's words, but she nodded in agreement.

"No, I didn't say that. Your subconcious had me say that."

"Oh, do shut up, Nigel. You'll give me a headache."

But he didn't.

"I for one think you are the best and that if he deserves as good as you think, you are indeed the one for him."

Olivia rolled her eyes and started to will herself awake.

"And because I love you, I'm partial to having you with someone who loves you at least as much, if not more, than I ever did."

Olivia snorted.

"That's impossible."

The sadness she'd felt at James' departure returned but for a different reason.

Nigel knelt next to her and wiped a tear from her face.

"My love, I miss you too, but I'm gone. I know you always thought you'd go first and that my sudden departure felt like the worst sort of betrayal, but that's no reason not to let yourself love again, and be loved again."

She shook her head.

"I can't."

"Olivia. Love. Don't..."

But she didn't get to hear what Nigel had to say, she was startled awake by a loud sound. She looked around the semi-dark room and found James lying on the floor, still tied to his chair. He was rocking back and forth trying to move toward her.

The door flew open and their captor entered.

"You certainly are one stubborn son of a bitch, James."

There was humor in his voice and it chilled Olivia.

The man walked over to James and kicked him as Olivia yelled at him to stop.

Finally he picked up James on the chair and settled him back down on the floor.

"Let me take a look at you, boy."

He roughly turned James face up to look at him. Whatever he saw he seemed satisfied and nodded his head.

"Now I suppose we should get down to business."

He turned to Olivia and looked at her condescendingly.

"I don't suppose they call it beauty sleep at your age, madam. No amount of sleep will ever return your beauty to you."

Olivia averted her eyes and acted as if the words of this maniac had an effect on her.

"Shut up."

James' voice was rough and slurred but Olivia knew the threat when she heard it.

The man turned back to James.

"It's the truth and you know it."

James' look was dark and dangerous. Olivia hoped he wouldn't blow everything. They were supposed to be an innocent, everyday couple, not two trained killers.

"Shut. Up."

"Tell me the truth, James. Tell me what you really think of the old bag."

James jaw was clenched and he looked as if he might actually break out of his bindings.

"Don't you dare talk about her like that."

Their captor narrowed his eyes as he looked at James.

"Do you really love her?"

Something about the question seemed to relax James, as if his mind knew he could handle the answer easily.

"Yes. With everything I am."

His eyes lit on her as he spoke and Olivia tried to hide the surprise she felt.

With the way their captor was acting, it was obvious to her the man had given James some sort of interrogation drug to get him to be more open to telling the truth.

"Then why were you with Calista?"

James tensed immediately. His jaw clenched and he squeezed his eyes shut.

The man backhanded James and demanded an answer again, but James just shook his head.

"Just be honest, James. You wanted young, beautiful flesh. Nothing to be ashamed of. That's how we men are made. We don't find beauty in old, wrinkled women."

James stilled and bit his bottom lip in an attempt to remain silent. Olivia tried to distract their captor.

"You use your own daughter to tempt men with sex?"

She used as much disgust as she could muster in the midst of her worry for James.

But he only shrugged.

"She's a beautiful woman, and she understands why I need to help women like you."

"Help me? How do you think you are helping me?"

He turned to her and Olivia was relieved his attention was away from James.

"I want you to learn the truth about James. I want to set you free."

"Free from what?"

If she could just keep him talking, James could get a break from the questions that almost appeared to cause him physical pain.

"Free from that man's lies. He could never love someone like you. Men love beauty, and old women are not beautiful."

"M is the most beautiful woman I have ever known."

Both Olivia and their captor were startled by James' weak voice.

The man laughed.

"Are we speaking of that so-called inner beauty. Because surely you cannot look at this wrinkled, sagging body and say it's beautiful."

His words barely bothered Olivia, they were the same she'd been telling herself since realizing James' feelings for her. But  James looked as if he felt them like a physical blow.

"She has that, yes."

The man walked back over to James and Olivia felt frustrated when she realized that James was intentionally getting him away from her. She was in far better condition to deal with this than he. She wanted to chastise him for his ridiculous attempt at chivalry.

"But everything about her is beautiful, from the lovely cap of silver hair on her head to the curves on the soles of her feet."

Their captor seemed confused more than just because of James' words.

"But what about Calista?"

Instantly the stress returned to James' face. He clenched his jaw shut as if he was trying to keep himself from speaking.

Olivia realized that whatever the drug was it definitely had opened James to telling the man everything and he was trying not to tell him the real reason he was with that woman. If he said anything they would certainly be killed immediately.

The man sighed.

"James, it would be easier if you would just tell us. If you really feel so strongly about Emma, you should tell her the truth about Calista. She deserves to hear it from you."

James closed his eyes and began to take deep breaths to calm himself. Olivia watched as their captor grew angry and raised his hand to strike James. She wanted to turn her eyes away, she wanted to cry out for him to stop, but she just stared in silence with the growing feeling that this was somehow her own fault. That James was at the receiving end of this beating because of something she'd done.

She recalled how she'd felt when she'd taken the call after James had been found after Le Chiffre had kidnapped him. The relief, then the horror upon hearing how he'd been tortured.

Now she watched as James silently endured the beating and didn't call out until the man drew blood.

He stopped and glared down at James. Then he straightened himself and walked over to the small table.

"I am beginning to think I am approaching this the wrong way. By now he should have said something."

The man was muttering to himself as he picked up another syringe.

"Well, if he won't talk to me, maybe she will."

James eyes immediately flew open.

"NO!"

James screamed, begging the man to stop. There was such great fear in his eyes.

Olivia wanted to tell him not to be afraid because if this truly was a truth serum, she would have to admit her true feelings for him. But that thought terrified her.

The man walked over to James and hit him across the face again, yelling at him to shut up.  


Suddenly, the door slammed open and three men in full tactical gear stormed into the room . Before their captor had time to react, he was on the ground, an automatic weapon in his face. Another of the team flipped him over violently and pulled his hands behind him to bind them behind his back.

"Secure," the third man called. And Tanner entered followed by a med team.

"Ma'am, are you Ok?"

Tanner walked toward her and then came behind her to undo her bindings.

The med team split up between her and James.

"I'm fine, but James..."

Her voice trailed off as James began screaming again. The EMTs had untied him and were attempting to check him over, but he was pushing them away as best he could.

"No, no, help M, please, her first, please, they drugged her, check her."

The tears were streaming down his face and there was agony in every word.

Olivia rubbed her wrists and glanced up at Tanner. He was looking at James and from his face Olivia could tell that he knew Bond's feelings for her. She hadn't seen Bill look this stricken since they'd thought Bond had died. He'd looked at her that way then.

Belatedly she realized that Bill had probably known for years of her feelings for James. Nothing much got past him, that's why he'd been her right hand.

The EMT looked at Tanner for help and Bill went to James.

"James. James!"

James looked up at Bill, his face wild with fear.

"Bill. M. You have to help her first. I can't help her. I failed her. I can't get to her. Oh, god."

"James, she's OK. She's alright."

James studied Tanner's face as if he thought his friend might be lying.

"She is?"

His question was hesitant.

Bill nodded his head.

"She is. Let the medics help you."

Tanner's voice was soft as he tried to talk James into getting the help he needed.

James stared at him for a moment before he nodded and began to stroke absently on his own hand.

"She's alive. She's well. She lived. She's OK. It's just a nightmare."

James finally allowed the EMT to lower him onto the gurney and look him over, all the while stroking one hand with the other and repeating those words over and over.

Olivia watched as the remaining EMT checked her vitals and asked her questions.

Olivia had experienced fear in her life, true bone-chilling fear, but watching James shatter was worse than anything she'd ever experienced. She momentarily tried reason, telling herself this was just the drugs, but this was more.  


The EMTs lifted the gurney and she watched as they took James out of the room. It took only a heartbeat to realize Tanner wasn't following.

"Go with him, Tanner."

Her voice was rough and she was embarrassed at the weakness, but Tanner only nodded and followed her order.

"Can you walk? Or shall we bring in another gurney?"

The EMT pulled her attention back on herself.

"I think I'm fine."

"Even so we'll be taking you to hospital to be looked over. It looks like they drugged you so we'll run some blood tests."

He helped her stand and supported her as they walked into the hall and out the front door. James was being loaded into one of the ambulances and Tanner entered after the EMT. Olivia was relieved that James wouldn't be alone.

She briefly thought that it should probably have been her that went with him. He'd be sure to want that more. But she shook her head and sighed as she was helped into the back of the other ambulance. 

No, after what she'd seen of James over the past several days, only confirmed what she realized she'd thought the first time she realized her feelings for him had deepened. He was at heart one of the best men she'd ever known, and he deserved far better than her.


	9. The Ones We Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia's POV continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is sad. the next chapter will be sad, maybe the next. The last chapter will be happy, though, I promise. They just have things they need to work through.

Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone,  
too often we're too stubborn to say: I'm sorry, I was wrong,  
too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts  
and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.  
~~Unknown~~

* * *

 

Olivia sat on her hospital bed and stared at the wall. There was a whiteboard with the name of her nurse and the list of medications she should receive. A television was mounted on the wall and there was a chair next to her bed for visitors. But she saw none of this.

What had she done?

The question had been running through her mind since she'd watched James carried from their makeshift closet prison.

Why had she accepted this assignment? Why had she agreed to do this with James?

She'd told herself at the beginning it was because she wanted to feel useful again, and there was certainly that aspect.

Now she wondered if that had been the reason at all.

Maybe she did it for the thrill.

She felt the nausea build in her gut again and the bile rising to her throat. It burned and she grabbed the plastic bowl they'd left for her and gave herself over to it.

She vomited until she dry-heaved then reached for the cup of water on the table beside her bed and rinsed her mouth.

The nurse came shortly after Olivia summoned her and cleaned out the bowl and returned it to her. She spoke to Olivia and Olivia answered her questions with minimal words.

When she left, Olivia returned to her thoughts.

Why had she done this to James? Of all the horrible things she'd forced him to do over the years at least she could say none of those had been selfish. Did she accept this assignment with him simply to have the opportunity to have sex with him?

This time the burning sensation took over more quickly and Olivia vomited bile and rinsed her mouth. She didn't bother with the nurse.

As an agent and as a station head and then as M, she had done many things over the years that had forced her to adopt the belief that regret is unprofessional simply to keep her sanity and not either quit life altogether or become the very evil she'd spent her life fighting. But this, what she'd required if James for this assignment...Olivia shuddered. She felt dirty, inside and out.

The door opened and startled her out of her thoughts. She caught a glimpse of dress shoes and suit slacks below the privacy curtain and briefly her mind convinced her it was James come to see her, come to offer her his forgiveness.

Belated she recalled that he was in another hospital bed and that, of course, it would be Bill coming to see after her.

To his credit, Bill did not appear bothered by the disappointed look she knew she gave him.

"James is resting."

Tanner gave her the information he knew she'd want first.

"They had to sedate him but only because he, um, well, he wouldn't stop. Um, what I mean is.."

"He kept muttering those words and stroking his hand."

She knew, she'd seen him in the emergency room when she'd arrived. She'd been only a few beds away, separated by curtains not walls so she could hear him.

"Well, I, uh, was able to get him to do what the doctors wanted."

"Yes, after you told him I wanted him to."

"Yes, he, uh, was most compliant."

"He said he'd do anything for me."

The words were a whisper and Olivia turned her eyes back to the wall. She couldn't bear to look at Bill now.

"How are you feeling?"

Olivia didn't want to answer his question. So she dodged it entirely.

"I'm leaving in the morning. I've spoken with M and he will have a plane waiting and a guard will come and pick me up. I want you to stay with James."

Bill didn't have to. She hadn't even cleared it with M. But she couldn't have anyone else.

Her mind and heart screamed at her that she should stay. Her mind mocking her with her sins against him, her heart trying to convince her that she needed James as much as he seemed to need her.

Her logic won out...or maybe that was actually her fear.

"I will."

There was an uncomfortable silence before Bill spoke again.

"So, we nabbed the daughter at the airport and she spilled everything pretty much immediately. I suppose she figured we'd go easier on her."

Olivia nodded. She knew she should be Interested to know why the man had kidnapped and killed a member of the royal family, albeit an incredibly distant one, but it all seemed so unimportant now. Bill went on though.

"His name's Ellis Cater, he was a pharmacist. Apparently his mother had got into a relationship with a younger man. The daughter said Cater became paranoid that the man was intent on stealing his inheritance so he killed both of them."

"No one suspected?"

"No. He had a supposed alibi. He had a passport that proved he was out of the country."

Olivia rolled her eyes.

"And of course the locals believed that and didn't bother to look further."

"Exactly."

"So why the others?"

"We're not entirely sure but it probably became a psychosis for him, and he began to think he had to do something about other women who were "duped.""

"That was how he spoke about it."

Olivia couldn't stop the shudder at the thought of what happened and what might have happened if Bill hadn't shown up when he did.

"I spoke with the Chief Constable and he said videos of the other couples were recovered at the house. We'll see from those exactly what he thought."

Bill's voice sounded strained to Olivia and she wondered if he'd had a chance to look at the video of her imprisonment.

But none of this felt as if it mattered to her. How could it?

"Will you see him before you go?"

Bill's question broke into her thoughts.

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Ma'am..."

"No, Tanner. I can't."

"He loves you."

She turned to look at him in surprise.

"Did he tell you that?"

She couldn't believe he would but Tanner nodded.

"He told me at the beginning of the assignment."

Tanner held her gaze.

"And you love him too."

Olivia shook her head.

"This can't be love."

"Why not?"

"I'm too old."

Tanner sighed at her words.

"I don't think age is a viable excuse."

"I'm too old for him."

"Isn't that for him to decide?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Pardon me, ma'am, but you cannot tell him who he can and cannot love. That's really up to James. And he's been in love with you for years. I know you don't believe it. I also suspect that you have had feelings for him for years as well."

Olivia glared at him but it had no affect on Tanner.

Finally she turned away again.

"It doesn't matter. Not anymore."

Tanner opened his mouth to reply but Olivia raised her hand to stop him.

"No, please Bill. I'm tired and I need to rest. Go to James and make sure you stay with him until he is fit again."

Tanner only nodded and stood to walk away. When she heard the door click shut she sighed and turned onto her side. She closed her eyes and tried to force herself to sleep, but all she could see behind her lids was the absolute fear on James' face when they were held captive. It was the same terror as after his nightmares.

She mocked Tanner's words in her mind. If she truly loved James, she never would have brought his nightmares to life.

* * *

36 hours later

Olivia finally entered her flat after hours of flight and a long taxi ride home through London traffic. She was exhausted but knew she'd never sleep. She hung the keys on the hook by the door and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror that hung on the wall.

When she'd hung the mirror she'd leveled it so her face was centered in order to check her make-up and hair before leaving. Now her face was lower in the mirror, as if the weight of her decision to leave James behind during his recovery was as physically heavy as it was emotionally.

She sighed and walked down the hall. She stopped at the door on her right and looked into the lounge. She stared at the sofa where she and James had spent many nights sitting in front of the fire sharing a drink and swapping tales.

Olivia shook her head as she turned and walked across the hallway toward the dining room. Inside the room she paused behind the chair James always sat in and rested her hands on the back. All the nights he'd come to dinner, all the conversations they'd had about politics and life and frivolous things, those would all be things of the past now.

She entered the kitchen via the connecting door. The sun was shining through the window that looked out into the garden and it seemed a reminder to her of all those afternoons when James would stop by and they'd make lunch together and sit at the small kitchen table drinking tea and playing cards. His laughter and his smile warming her more than any amount of sunshine ever had.

Finally she made her way slowly upstairs. James had never been there, except that one week before they left for the assignment. She walked by the guest room where he'd slept and where she'd stood outside his door listening as he cried out in his sleep for her, the fear and terror in his voice sending a chill down her spine.

Inside her bedroom there were still things that belonged to him. They'd left them just in case the flat was searched.

His shoes were still beside her bed, his clothes still hanging in her closet. She walked over to it now and opened the door. She stared at the shirts and trousers all lined up on the racks. Walking over to them she buried her face between the shirts and breathed deeply. His scent was still there. It was no use to fight the effect it had on her.

When she walked out she lay down on the bed without changing or removing her shoes. She wasn't going to sleep so there was no need to get comfortable.

She thought of Cater's threat to inject her with the drugs, to get her to tell the truth about her feelings for James. James had begged Cater not to do it, had offered the man everything he had. She knew why. He didn't want to hear her say that she didn't love him, that she never had.

Now, though, Olivia wasn't sure that's what she would have said. In fact, if she was finally honest with herself, it might never have been what she said.

How many years had she felt this way? She couldn't honestly say. In the beginning she thought it might be motherly affection or even professional admiration. By the time they stood outside on that cold, snowy night after all the mess with Quantum was brought to an end and she all but begged him to come back to her, it was already crossing the line of propriety.

She wasn't sure when James had crossed that same line, but it was before she ordered the shot that nearly took his life.

Yes, she realized now that James' love and devotion to her were not really a surprise. She'd known. And she'd always used it. She'd manipulated his feelings to get him to do what she needed, always playing with them, and no time worse than when Ms Strawberry Fields was murdered.

God, her stomach still churned when she thought of what she'd done to James, the betrayal in his eyes and later the anger.

Since the time he came onto her radar as potential 00, she'd become a student of James Bond, learning what made him tick what motivated him. As the years went on, she became very aware of his need for her approval, and later his love for her. And she'd used it to control him.

_"I thought M was just a randomly assigned letter. I had no idea it stood for..."_

Manipulator.

That's what it stood for. That's what she was, and for no one more than Bond. The others were easy, Bond was complex. He was intriguing and a challenge. She had to up her game to control him. That was her justification for it.

Olivia pulled the quilt over her and curled up on her side.

In the end it didn't matter that she'd fallen in love with him and he with her, he deserved someone who had never done the cruel things she'd done to him. He deserved better. And she could never be that person, not with their history.

She stared out the window as the sun set and embraced the pain of the knowledge that there would be no more post-mission phone calls, that he would not be stopping by for tea, and there would never again be a need to dress for dinner.

She had seen him broken and known she was the cause. She would never forgive herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I really need to write something fluffy after all that.


	10. Chapter 9-That's What Friends Are For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth is all well and good, but in the game he plays at MI6, Tanner has learned that a well-told lie or half-truth can work even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short chapter. Tanner's POV. That's all.

Tanner knocked on the front door of Olivia's flat. She was expecting him. He'd called earlier asking if he might come by to see her. He'd made it sound like a simple, friendly visit. His palms sweated because it wasn't.

"Bill, so good of you to come by."

The words barely matched her tone and definitely didn't match the wariness in her eyes. She looked as if she knew he'd come to bring her bad news.

In the fortnight since she and James had returned from their mission, Tanner had worried about both of them. Maybe Olivia was just as worried about James. He hoped so. This would go far more easily for him if she was.

He followed her into her sitting room.

"Would you like a drink?"

"Brandy, if you have it."

Olivia poured the drink and handed it to Tanner while motioning him to sit on the sofa.

"So, how are things?"

Tanner tried to be casual and take just a sip of the brandy when he really felt the need to down it, and several more quickly following.

"They're, well, you see, this is a somewhat official visit."

Olivia's face and posture, which had begun to relax, tensed almost indiscernibly. If Tanner hadn't known her as well as he did, he'd not have seen it. It was also a sign of her trust in him that she would allow herself to relax her defenses even this small amount.

"I was wondering if James had been by."

Olivia regarded her drink for several seconds before taking another deliberate sip.

"No, he's on active duty. I sometimes don't hear from him for weeks."

The strain in her voice was obvious to Tanner. It was hurting her that James hadn't been in contact.

"He's gone dark."

This time her reaction would have been obvious to anyone.

"What? Why? He was supposed to return to duty a few days ago. What happened?"

What happened indeed, Tanner thought. He knew, of course, but he'd been at this game long enough to know when to give the information outright and when to use the round about way of pulling a person over to see things your way. The latter was what he needed to use on Olivia in spite of the fact that she'd be angry once she found him out.

"Yes, well, the day before he sent an email to M. It contained his resignation, effective immediately."

Olivia stood abruptly and walked over to the drinks cart to busy herself pouring another drink before she downed it quickly.

"Well, that was certainly fast."

Tanner wasn't sure if she intended he hear her words but he responded.

"What was fast, ma'am?"

"He must have already had someone."

She was still mumbling as she poured yet another drink.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

She turned back to him suddenly.

"He resigned on me once as well. After he'd met Vesper. They were going to sail around the world together, I believe."

Tanner watched her as she returned to the sofa. She was trying to act as if this was all to be expected of James. As if her former agent was behaving in the exact way she had thought he would. It would have been convincing if not for the way her voice wavered when she said Vesper's name.

"Ma'am, I doubt there's a woman involved."

Olivia smirked and shook her head.

"There's always a woman involved where Bond is concerned."

Tanner thought for a moment trying to figure out which way to pursue this. He could argue the truth, that Bond hadn't even dated in more than a year, that the man always went straight to her after his briefings, that he tried to avoid using seduction as a means in any of his missions, that he was still far more devoted to her than to his new boss. But Olivia was obviously set on denying James' now well known feelings for her that it seemed an exercise in futility.

"MI6 has no trace on Bond. He dumped his chip and his cellphone into the Thames in front of a CCTV camera. Then he flashed the bird the camera and walked into the distance. We were never able to get a fix on him after that."

Tanner caught a flash of fear in Olivia's eyes before she covered it with a shrug and nonchalance.

"He'll turn up soon enough. Sometimes he gets like that. He just needs to burn off some steam, maybe, if there really is no woman involved, he'll need to find one and burn off steam that way. He'll be back. No need to panic just yet."

To his credit, Tanner didn't sigh in exasperation, nor roll his eyes, both of which he wanted desperately to do.

"He won't be returning to London."

That got her attention. Tanner saw her hands shake as she set her glass on the side table. James wasn't returning to London, that meant he wouldn't be returning to her. She was obviously hurt by the thought, and Bill really did hate doing this to her but she was being so ridiculously stubborn he didn't feel he had any choice.

"I'm sure you'll hear from him soon."

She stood and walked to the window to stare out at the garden. Tanner let her have time to regain her composure.

"What does M plan to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we can't just let an ex-agent go dark like that. It's unsafe. He's walking around with a million state secrets in his head."

Tanner stared at her and this time he did sigh. She'd gone straight back to her work mode.

"If it comes to that, I'll tell him where James is."

He hadn't intended to play his hand so soon but he could imagine the worry she now felt wondering if they'd send someone after Bond, knowing it would be unlikely James would ever allow himself to be taken alive if he truly wanted to be left alone.

"You know where he is?"

She turned to him and gave him a surprised look.

"I have a general idea."

That wasn't entirely true, but what she didn't know at this moment wouldn't hurt. He needed her to feel the pang of her loss a little more before he could be sure he could get her to do what he wanted.

"Then why are you here?"

"I had hoped he'd told you, or called you."

Not entirely true either, but not really a lie.

"Why would he do that?"

Olivia turned back toward the window her voice sharp and her stance commanding.

Bloody hell, Tanner thought. Damn stubborn the both of them.

"He usually contacts you as soon as he's been debriefed, I had hoped he might have given you some sort of clue as to what he's thinking right now."

In case Tanner thought she'd been shutting down her humanity, he watched her shoulders sag slightly.

Over the years he'd wanted to knock both their heads together, but never more than this moment. James should have called Olivia when he returned, and Olivia should have at least seen him before she left the hospital. But, of course, neither of them was willing to be first to cross that line they'd both drawn over the years. Now, though, it seemed to Tanner it was a chasm and he'd have to play the bridge.

"You said you thought you knew where he might be."

She turned to him, shoulders squared, all business again.

"Yes, ma'am."

Tanner reacted instinctively.

"Well, if we can't contact him, you will take me to him."

With that, she crossed the room and exited. He heard her take the stairs. Tanner shook his head and followed her out and waited at the foot of the stairs.

She returned shortly with suitcase in hand. He took it from her when she reached the bottom of the stairs and followed her out her front door and down the steps to his car.

After they were on the road Olivia finally asked Tanner where he suspected Bond had got off to.

"Scotland."

"No!"

Tanner turned in surprise at her vehemence.

"He would never."

"Why not?"

He watched Olivia take a deep breath.

"That place holds no good memories for him."

Olivia's voice was quiet and it unnerved Tanner. He turned his eyes back to the road and considered how to use her obvious distress in his favor.

"Well, I'm not sure he is the mood for good memories at the moment."

He watched her reaction from the corner of his eye. She simply closed her eyes and turned her head away. That told him enough. He had hit the mark. If only he could keep her there.

It was a hard thing to get his former boss to show or to act on any sort of emotion. Hers wasn't the sort of job that allowed for it. He'd known this was one of the sources of contention between her and Bond over the years.

Bond, on the other hand, while he was of equal intelligence with Olivia, allowed his heart to rule far more often.

He'd considered simply going up to Scotland and trying to convince James to return with him and talk with Olivia, but with James' heart firmly in charge of his actions at the moment, Bill knew he'd be far less reasonable than Olivia.

And, maybe in the end she'd be angry with him for giving her only half the truth, but Bill thought it would be worth it if they would finally do something about this situation which was only causing the both of them pain.

Tanner sighed silently as he drove onto the main highway north. He hoped his plan worked because he didn't really have a plan B and he was tired of watching his friends suffer this way, when happiness was within their reach.


	11. Chapter 10- Philophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philophobia: The fear of falling in love or emotional attachment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a little long. It didn't go exactly the way I envisioned it as I've thought it through the past few months. Hopefully it still works with the rest of the story.
> 
> Olivia's POV. Light angst. Hopefully not too many tears. :)

_To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead._  
_Bertrand Russell_  


Olivia stared out the window as the Scottish countryside sped by. She was far more comfortable than she’d been the last time she’d made this trip, but not relaxed at all. She and Tanner might not be fearing a madman, but Olivia was too concerned about James to enjoy this trip any more than she did the last.

After the drugs had finally left her system after she’d returned home, Olivia could view the situation far more rationally. She had called him a few days later assuming he’d have returned. She knew they needed to discuss what had happened, though she wasn’t sure what she wanted to come from their talk.

While she cared very much for James, she had never really considered it anything more than friendship. But it was obvious he was very much in love with her. She didn’t want to break his heart, but at the same time, she was really too old. After her husband died she had not thought about having any more relationships, least of all with a younger man.

Olivia knew James to be far too romantic. While she'd had more reasons than that, it had been her suspicion that he was that made her hesitate when MI6 had wanted him promoted. After his success in Prague, she hadn't any choice and she hoped he'd be able to shut that side off.

Still, she’d watched him through the years and his decisions weren’t always the rational ones she felt best suited a 00, especially if that 00 were to outlive his position the way James was about to.

Vesper had nearly broken him and while he’d claimed to have learned his lesson, Olivia knew he hadn’t. James wasn’t wired the way she was. She often thought this was actually the source of most of their conflict.

Olivia fully embraced the Stoicism necessary for the job, while James seemed to think he was bloody Lord Byron with a gun.

Which only made his feelings for her all the more confusing.

She really didn’t know Vesper Lynd, only seen pictures of her. She’d also seen other women James had spent time with voluntarily and they seemed to have the usual things in common, tall, slim, more beautiful than Olivia had ever thought herself to be even when she was young.

Several of the women were intelligent, so it couldn’t be her mind he was interested in. Women today weren’t necessarily going to play dumb to get a man so James would still have his pick of any beautiful, intelligent woman if he wanted that.

She worried that James had developed some sort of Mother complex and that this was going to turn into Silva all over again. Which was why she’d wanted to talk with him. They needed to work this out so she didn't lose him.

But he’d never returned her calls, and now she worried that while she might not lose him the way Tiago had been lost, in the end it might still be as tragic, at least if what Tanner had inferred was true.

Bill hadn’t said much on the drive, though that didn’t surprise Olivia. He was the quiet sort which was one of the things she liked about him. She really wasn’t even sure what questions she’d ask if they were to talk about what happened to James.

She sighed silently and willed the time to pass more quickly. The sooner they arrived at Skyfall, the sooner she could hopefully bring James back around.

It was nearly 1900 when they arrived at Kincaid’s small house. Olivia smiled when she saw it, and more when she saw the man come out to the porch to greet them.

He gave her a hug which she accepted though she wasn’t particularly comfortable with it. She had never been the affectionate sort. Another reason Bond’s interest in her was confusing.

“James is up at the kirk.”

Kincaid’s words startled Olivia.

“Why?”

He only shrugged.

“Says he can think better up there.”

Olivia cast a worried glance at Tanner who nodded in return.

“Can I have a torch so I can go up and speak with him?”

Kincaid showed them inside and grabbed his large torch from atop his fridge.

“I’ll take you up. It’s a rocky way.”

Olivia nodded and followed him out the door glad that he understood the urgency of the situation and didn’t delay her with the usual hospitality.

The trip was silent and when they were about half a kilometer away from the kirk, Olivia went on alone.

There was a light from the inside so at least James wasn’t sitting in the dark. That would have worried her even more.

She took a deep breath before pushing open the door.

The inside of the kirk was almost exactly as she’d last seen it and she suppressed a shudder in response to the fears that triggered.

“I’m not hungry.”

Olivia was startled by James’ voice and noticed he was sitting on the same pew she’d sat on that night. She shook her head. There was bound to be a bloodstain there. What was the man thinking? How could this clear his head?

“Well, that’s good since I didn’t bring any food.”

She made sure her voice was as commanding as possible. She needed to feel she had some control over the situation. She hadn’t asked Kincaid if James had a gun with him, but she had to operate under the assumption he did, even if Kincaid hadn’t known.

James jumped and stood up to turn around and look at her.

“M?”

Olivia sighed noticeably. Of all the things that had hidden his feelings from her, his desire to continue to call her by her title instead of her name when she’d told him several times he could call her by her real name, was the top of the list.

“ _You’ll always be M to me.”_

That just never sounded romantic to her.

“Hello, James.”

“Why are you here?”

She looked at him in disbelief.

“That’s a better question to ask of you. I tried calling but you never returned my calls.”

He averted his eyes and had the decency to look contrite.

“I didn’t know what to say to you.”

“So you just ran from the problem?”

“I needed time to think.”

“What is there to think about?”

James looked back up at her.

“I love you.”

Olivia felt every possible reply evaporate before she could even utter one. She hadn’t expected that.

Finally she shook her head.

“Whatever for?”

Standing here in the kirk, she started to think this love might be nothing more than a response to the fear he’d felt when he’d thought she died.

“For every reason.”

Olivia allowed a snort to escape.

“That’s rather vague.”

James actually smiled at that, which surprised her.

“You never were very romantic were you?”

“Well, my husband worked at turning me, and I suppose he did toward himself, but, no, I never was. When he got down on one knee I told him if he thought he needed to beg me to marry him we were not compatible.”

James laughed.

“I suppose the usual lines never worked on you.”

She shook her head.

“They still don’t.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment before he took steps toward her.

“Alright then, when I first saw you, I knew I was going to underestimate you and it scared the hell out of me. I kept trying to keep myself together when we talked but you have a way of unnerving me that no one else has ever had.

“Most people are so easy to read. All you have to do is observe them for a brief time and you can get to know all their proverbial buttons and how to push them. But not you. I would think I’d figured it out, but I was always wrong. I could never read you. I’d never known a woman like that. Well, there was one, but she…”

He stopped and sighed sadly and Olivia knew he was speaking of Vesper.

“But she wasn’t like you at all.”

He continued to slowly walk toward her as he spoke.

“You never would have betrayed the Crown for any reason.

“Which brings me to your loyalty. The way you have worked so hard not just to prove yourself but just to do the job. The way you never shirk, even when I know you probably can. The way you demand the same of all of us. And you stood by me and trusted me when I know damn well no one else did.”

He was nearly in front of her now and Olivia felt herself growing nervous for the first time in many years. She’d expected his reply to be trite and shallow. How deeply she had underestimated him. This was, frankly, far more unexpected than Tiago’s return from the dead.

Finally, he stopped right in front of her and sighed and shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

“But I didn’t see it, not really, until I was here, and I was holding you in my arms as you died. I’m not sure why. But it all came together right then, everything that I do is for you. There are times I worry that I would sell my soul or even sell out England if you asked me.”

“James.”

Olivia shook her head. He couldn’t talk like that.

“It’s OK. I know you never would ask that of me.”

He took one hand out of his pocket and took one of hers in his. Olivia found herself oddly breathless.

“And your beauty…I meant all the words I said to you when you were in my arms.”

James closed his eyes and grimaced as if he was in pain. That snapped Olivia out of whatever spell he was casting on her.

“James, it was just a job.”

He took a shuddering breath but didn’t open his eyes. She hadn’t felt so much pity for him since she realized Vesper had betrayed him. That had been one of the most difficult calls she’d ever had to make. She knew she would break his heart. And now she was doing it again.

“I understand.”

His voice was strained and Olivia doubted he understood at all.

“James, I don’t want to hurt you. But I never even considered you might have feelings for me. And I certainly never thought for one moment your feelings for me ran so deep.”

He finally opened his eyes to look at her. So much sadness there. At least she now understood why he’d come here. The solitude and the painful memories would help him grieve. Olivia hated that she was the one causing his grief.

“Never? You couldn’t see it even when you were in the hospital?”

Olivia sensed he was looking for some answer, not necessarily the one that seemed obvious.

“You were always so good at reading me. I thought you might suspect.”

“James, how could I even begin to think you might have these feelings for me? I was your boss, and even now that I’m not, I’m still nearly 30 years older than you.”

She shook her head.

“I wouldn’t have even begun to hope that you felt that way.”

She felt James become alert. And looked at him in question before it dawned on her what she had said. She cursed herself inwardly and scrambled to fix the damage.

“James, you won’t even call me by my name.”

“I couldn’t. I knew if I did I’d cross lines you didn’t want me to cross.”

Olivia stared at him dumbfounded.

“You were never exactly the model of restraint before.”

He nodded.

“I know, but this was too important.”

They stood quietly for a moment before he raised his hand and gently touched her face. He looked at her as if he was in awe of her.

“You are the most important person to me.”

Olivia closed her eyes. She needed some space. She needed to think this through. Suddenly her mind reminded her where she was. She looked behind James at the floor where he’d held her as she bled out.

“I need some air.”

With her announcement, she pulled away from him and hurried out the door. She turned the torch back on and headed down the hill toward Kincaid’s house.

She had never been afraid of anything, but she feared this thing with Bond. And worst of all she didn’t know why. What did it matter if he loved her? Couldn’t she at least provide him companionship? It wasn’t as if she was going to outlive him. He wasn’t a 00 anymore so after she died he could find someone more appropriate.

And, dammit, she did care. She cared far too much. Mallory had been right and, like Bond, she hadn’t seen it. Maybe she should have spoken with Gareth before she and Tanner left, asked him exactly how he’d figured it out. It was more than her desire to send Bond back out in the field.

Now that she thought about it, Gareth’s words to James were almost the same. He warned James that he should quit before someone James cared about got hurt due to his inability to do his job properly. The entire situation was directly related to someone trying to kill her. Who else could Gareth have been talking about?

Olivia shook the memories her thoughts brought from her mind. They’d get her nowhere. She had to reason this out, but reason and emotions seldom mix. And maybe that’s why this thing with Bond scared her. What if she wasn’t enough for him? Olivia had been told many times in her life that she wasn’t like other women, and not in a nice way.

She wasn’t soft enough, never submissive, she didn’t laugh at the man’s jokes, she didn’t flirt properly.

That had never mattered to her before. When she’d met Nigel, he told her she’d been the one to sweep him off his feet. And that had worked for the two of them.

Nigel had worked part time and she’d been career oriented. He was the one who usually tucked the children in and dealt with the problems at school.

But James was nothing like Nigel. He was stubborn and strong-willed. The two of them butted heads more than they had ever agreed. Yes, things had changed since her retirement, but if they were to become involved, what then?

Olivia stopped her thinking when she realized she was simply standing in the middle of the hill.

She didn’t want to go in and face Kincaid and Tanner knowing she’d probably failed them. And she certainly couldn’t go back to Bond in the kirk.

In a few minutes, she heard footsteps behind her. She turned to look back up at James and waited.

“It’s getting cold out here. You should be inside.”

She nodded but didn’t move.

They stared at each other under the moonlight until James finally sighed.

“It’s OK. You don’t have to feel the same way. I understand why you don’t.”

“You do?”

James nodded.

“I’m not enough.”

Olivia stared at him, all but gaping at his response.

“You’ve had real love, and what do I know of it? I’m just a blunt instrument who acts on impulse and without thought. I know that can never be enough for you.”

Olivia tried to keep her breathing even.

“That speech in the kirk didn’t sound like you hadn’t given it any thought.”

James took a deep breath and turned his face up to the sky. He studied the stars for a moment before turning back to her.

“I’ve thought about it for two years.”

Olivia nodded.

“And for two years you never acted impulsively, at least regarding your feelings for me.”

Something about her words gave James pain, his face contorted in worry and he rushed to explain.

“I told you, you are too important to me.”

Olivia nodded.

“Nothing about this is impulsive, James.”

James shook his head.

“Dammit, James. Don’t be so obtuse. You’re accusing yourself of something that simply isn’t true.”

He only shrugged in reply.

“I’m not like the women you usually date. I’m not young, or tall, or lithe. I would never have resembled a super model even when I was young. You think you love me, but I fear you love an image you’ve created in your mind.”

The determination in James’s eyes now made Olivia realize she probably should have remained silent.

“I dated a lot of women, yes. But in hindsight I realize that I was just looking for something only you could give me.”

Olivia scoffed derisively.

“It’s true.”

He stepped into her space but Olivia didn’t back away.

“Why do you think I call you as soon as I return from a mission? Why do you think I dress for dinner, even when we are only eating inside your flat? Why do you think I spend hours a week with you doing perfectly mundane things like making sandwiches and weeding the garden and going for walks in the park and shopping.?”

Olivia felt desperate to offer him a way out of this madness, and that’s what she thought it was. She’d seen the looks women gave him while they were on assignment, young, beautiful women. He could have any of them. He should.

“You felt the need to take care of me after Skyfall. I saw in your eyes at the hospital how guilty you felt.”

James nodded.

“Yes, I did feel guilty. Even now, I rehash the whole thing in my brain trying to figure out what I could have done differently.”

He took her hand in his again and Olivia fought against her own urge to step closer to him.

“But that’s not why. I do those things because I enjoy spending time with you. You are intelligent and witty and being with you, particularly after an assignment, is like a balm to my soul.”

Olivia rolled her eyes and released a disgusted sigh, but James only laughed.

“I didn’t think you’d like that. A little too romantic?”

“Sappy.”

He was still laughing and Olivia tried not to think of how his smile always changed everything she thought about him.

“I’ve thought a lot about how things really don’t have to change, you know. We could still do all those things but maybe, if I can convince you, I could hold your hand when we walk through the park. I could buy you one of those stupid “Kiss the chef” aprons and act on it while you are making dinner. Then after I could stay over and make love to you in front of the fire instead of just our usual chat.”

Olivia tensed slightly as he stepped closer.

“Can you give me a chance? I’ll prove to you that all the things I’ve said tonight are true.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

“I can’t.”

Her words came out a whisper when she’d intended them to be forceful. She couldn’t do this to them.

“Why not?”

She had to make him see reason, had to make him understand.

“Because when you are done with me, when the novelty wears off, I’ll lose you.”

She looked up at him, expecting anger in his eyes and a defensive response. But she only saw what she always saw, what she had pretended had been guilt or her imagination all these years. He was completely happy, and Olivia hated that it was because of her.

“I’m terrified, too. I am afraid to lose you. So if you want to go back to the way things were, I’ll take that rather than nothing.”

That surprised her. She expected him to try to force the issue, to come up with more arguments, to push even further into her space.

She looked up at him and decided to trust him with what seemed to be the crux of what she was thinking. She’d thought she’d be afraid to say anything, afraid he’d use her words against her, but when it came right down to it, she trusted no one more than she trusted him.

“I don’t know. I don’t even understand my feelings anymore. It feels wrong to feel the way I do, to miss you when you are gone, to look forward to your calls, to trust you to return to me, yet to know how painful it will be if you don’t. I’m too old to start something like this. And I’m not like that persona I put on for the case. I don’t give loving looks and act adoringly.”

James nodded.

“I’m glad, because that sort of thing can be faked. I’m not looking for that. I love everything about you, I love the way you are the most real person I’ve known. You make no apologies for who you are, and you don’t need to start now.”

He slowly leaned down toward her and Olivia knew he was going to kiss her. She should stop it, she shouldn’t risk her heart like this. It wasn’t like her at all. But maybe two years of retirement had changed her.

He brushed his lips against hers and whispered.

“I love you…Olivia.”

At the use of her name she could feel the shift in Bond’s demeaner. His body relaxed and she could almost feel his arousal rolling off him as he pressed his lips against hers gently but with deep meaning.

When she didn’t push him away, James deepened the kiss and pulled her closer to him.

She wrapped her arms around him and relaxed into his embrace, trusting him to keep her upright as she gave herself over to his passion.

It felt odd to allow this, this passion that she’d only pretended at with marks. While she made love often to Nigel, it had never felt like this, never an all-consuming desire. And while she’d trusted Nigel, she’d only been able to give him a part of her because he could never know the full extent of who she was. But James did. He knew her perfectly and he still stood before her and proclaimed his love for her.

With Nigel, Olivia always harbored a doubt that if he knew what she did, if he completely knew her work, the people she’d killed, and the people she’d allowed to die, and the people she’d sent to death, that he would despise her.

James knew, and he still loved her.

More though, she knew James, and she trusted him with everything. And she knew without a doubt, she could trust him with this as well.

As she reminded herself that she could trust James, she gave herself over completely to the moment in a way she’d never done before.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter took me a while to figure out because the last chapter didn't go anywhere near where I'd intended. I'm finally done, though. Thanks for sticking with it.

_"I swear I couldn't love you more than I do right now,_  
_and yet I know I will tomorrow."_  
_~~Leo Christopher~~_

For nearly a month James woke each morning to the ghost of the feeling of M in his arms. Contrary to what he'd imagined when he'd left the hospital, it was the thing that kept him sane. She'd always been his grounding, though, so he supposed it shouldn't have been a surprise.

He'd been afraid to fall asleep that first night without her, terrified the nightmares would return. They never did. That had confused him even more. It's why he'd come to Scotland in the first place, to sort it all out.

In the end, after looking at it from every angle, good or bad, he realized that his nightmares had nothing at all to do with M's death. Or, at least, they had very little to do with it. His real fear hadn't been that she might have died, it had been that she might have died and he'd never told her how much he loved her, because he'd never fully comprehended how much until he'd held her in his arms in the kirk.

This morning as he woke he knew it was not a ghost he held. The room was still dark in the pre-dawn moments but the pressure of her body against him and the scent of her permeated his senses and stirred his arousal. He shifted and kissed her forehead before skimming his hand down her bare back.

James was rewarded with a shiver and M pressing deeper into his embrace. He smiled against her forehead before lowering his lips to her neck to press against her pulse point. A moan that resonated through his own body escaped her lips as she was finally roused from slumber.

"James."

Her voice was rough with sleep, but it only made him harder. He lowered his body to give his mouth better access to her breasts. When he took one nipple into his mouth she gasped and she immediately brought her hands to hold his head. She threaded her fingers in his hair. It had grown longer while he'd been here, and, after last night, the way he felt when she tugged on his hair during their rounds of lovemaking, he was considering keeping it this length.

"How can you be ready to go again? Wasn't three times last night enough?"

"I'm insatiable when it comes to you."

He paused and took a breath before he slowly breathed out her name.

"Olivia."

It did the very thing he always thought it would, which is why he never wanted to say it before last night. His body was infused with a warmth which both relaxed him and increased his arousal. He could feel his pulse throughout his entire body and the world narrowed down to only her. His hands followed the paths they'd taken in his fantasies and honed in their time together on assignment. He could hear her breath as if it was a sound inside his own head. Every hitch and each little gasp made his heart skip a beat.

The thing that drove him mad, however, was that he knew she was holding back. She was quiet and as reserved as she could be for the sake of propriety. With Kincaid in the room down the hall, and Tanner sleeping on the sofa in the downstairs parlor, he could hardly blame her. Still, as soon as he got her home, he was going to give her less reason for her near silence.

When James could take no more, he reached over and grabbed the lube. He quickly and efficiently prepared them and slowly pressed himself inside her. He reveled in the feel of her giving way to him, centimeter by centimeter. The sigh that escaped her lips when he was fully buried in her made it difficult to hold on and wait for her.

Olivia wrapped her legs around his back and used her heels against his arse to pull him closer and lift her hips to give him better access. James kissed the side of her head and whispered all the things he'd longed to these past two years. Gone now were his fears of losing her in any way. She was with him, in his arms, accepting his love and returning it with her own. He wouldn't waste this time with fear.

* * *

 

They said goodbye to Tanner after breakfast. James and Olivia both thanked him. James assured him there was nothing anyone could say that would entice him back to MI6.

"Life with Olivia will be exciting enough."

James' words brought a deep, crimson blush to Tanner's face and Olivia had a laugh at the poor man's expense.

After Tanner drove away, James went upstairs to pack up his belongings. He commanded Olivia to remain downstairs unless she wanted to stay another night. That caused Kincaid to clear his throat and both looked at him to see a blush bloom on his face. James had a laugh over that.

* * *

 

"Not a chance, he said?"

M sounded resigned, but not surprised.

"Not a chance, sir."

Tanner felt the blush creeping onto his face again.

M eyed him closely before he nodded.

"Ah, I see."

Tanner cleared his throat.

"Is that all, sir?"

"I suppose it will have to be."

Tanner nodded and stood to leave. He was at the door of the office when M spoke again.

"Do you suppose they'll at least invite us to the wedding?"

Tanner looked back in surprise.

"How dumb do you think I am, Mr. Tanner?"

"Uh, not at all, sir."

M only nodded. 

"In all honesty, Bond should ask me to be best man."

"Pardon?"

M looked up at him with a smirk.

"I called it years ago. Do either of them even know what hell I've been through waiting for this moment?"

Tanner felt himself gape at his boss and quickly shut his mouth.

"Had no idea I was such a romantic, did you?"

M chuckled when Tanner remained silent.

"That's OK. But I hope you and Eve will get your act together before I retire. I'm not getting any younger, you know."

Tanner stared at him for a moment before he felt his lip quirk up at the thought that flashed through his mind.

"Why, are you punching for godfather?"

M smiled then, to Tanner's surprise, winked at him.

"I might, at that."

Tanner laughed and shook his head as he left the office.

Eve wasn't at her desk and he hoped she wasn't just avoiding him. He really should have called her, but he never knew what to say. He sighed and walked down the the hall to his own office.

There was an envelope on his desk. He opened it and read the pages enclosed. It was for a reservation for two at a country resort in Somerset for the upcoming weekend. On the last page was a post-it note with words in M's writing.

"Make this count. And don't make me wait as long as James and Olivia did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only been a year since I started writing this, but it seems like I was another person. Amazing how much can change in the course of one year. I'm glad this year changed it all for the better. :)


End file.
